You know that book "When Brian Hugged His Mother?" Well, I just found out that it could be totally reversed. If you say "When Brian Punched His Mother", it creates a totally new snowball effect where Brian's mother acts like a little bitch to everyone and it just snowballs from there. It creates a realm of just mean people, where instead of helping out others and showing little kids that kind things spread, it does just the opposite. Interesting, isn't it.
My mind is bothering me. It's just throwing itself against my head, like it wants to bash its way out of my skull. Sorry mind. You're captive in my brain which is stuck inside my head. If I could, I'd set you free. But you see, we need each other. I need you to keep on living, and you need me to be able to move and function. So, we can't have a win-win situation. We can have a compromised situation, though.
Alright, look. I don't mind you blasting your music WHEN YOU'RE HOME ALONE, but PLEASE stop blasting your music when others are around. I'm wearing headphones for a reason!
Let's just talk. For some odd reason I just can't talk to you about it in person. I just get distracted and I can never bring issues up. Next time, I will try. I have to.
I don't understand.
Can we have a cease fire agreement over here or something? Because I'm taking these bullets straight to the brain and the heart.
I don't want to argue, but, it's starting to get hard not to argue. I want to go back to the old days where it was just fun and games and just being there for each other. No more of this underlying crap, no more of this...thing, this twisted dance of the dead we have. How we aruge, I apologize (it would be nice if you apologize sometimes too, you know), then we make-up, then we argue or fight a few days later. What on earth is happening to us? I just want to be the best of friends! Nothing more, nothing less. I don't think of you like that anymore. I view you only as a good friend of mine, and I care about you like you're my younger brother. I have a feeling you're trying to push me away, but buddy boy, you're not going to get rid of me. I'll always be here for you, whether you want me to be there for you or not. I'll still be here, just not as close by as I used to be. Yeah, you'll get hurt, so will I. But we'll be okay in the end. I don't want to ever lose you, and you know that.
I love you little bro. And I don't plan on leaving you.
With much love,
Your Seastar,
LOve LOst LOse LOok LOng LOne LOre
Words with "LO" in the beginning.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday was pretty uneventful. I was a being a flibbertigibbet, but for good reason. I got bitched at by Kaldy for two periods, had like, no one help me hang up signs and do other things, I didn't eat anything like, at all that day because I was busy. So yeah. I was being a flibbertigibbet.
Saturday was pretty good. Did Music In the Parks, and came home and slept for like, the entire night. Good life, I guess.
Sunday, went to my recital, screwed up, got it over with came home. Then I went bike riding with the boys. That was pretty fun. I kept saying some random stuff, and Steven disapproved, LOL. We rode to GreatMall, and I almost got hit by an Indian lady in her car. Omg, scary stuff. Then I rear-ened Justin because Steven just randomly stopped. -_-
We met up with Ben at Sports Authority, then went off to the park near GMall. Kevin and Amanda drove by us, so I waved. Ben had to fix his bike, since his tires suck. After that, we rode to Curtner, and of course, I would somehow manage to hurt myself. I ran into a pole. LOL. I'm an idiot, I know. :) So, I was staring at these people playing basketball, and I wasn't watching where I was going so my right handle bar hit the pole that was sticking up at Curtner. Then I turned (duh) half jumped/landed on my two feet perfectly fine then started laughing. I don't know why. Everyone around me was just SMHing, shaking their heads at my fail.
Today was decent. Haha, I still smile and shake my head at my fail though. It's always better to laugh at things like these. :D
Dang it... So, once upon a time there was a boy who was named Pumpkinhead. He was named Pumpkinhead because his head looked like and resembled a pumpkin. Pumpkinhead was a very nice boy, and he was a close cousin to Humpty Dumpty (before Humpty had that great fall). Pumpkinhead wasn't very outgoing. In fact, he was very shy. His parents used to never let him go outside because they were afraid he would be made fun of.
So one day, agains his parent's expressed wishes, he decided to venture outside to play with the other children. "Hi. I'm Pumpkinhead," he told the other children. "Can I come play with you?" The other children just laughed at him and called him names. Feeling rejected, Pumpkinhead went home and vowed never to return to those children. Eventually, Pumpkinhead moved away from his parents and made his own home in the woods. One day while he was relaxing by the fire, someone knocked on the door. He opened the door, and there was a woman who's head looked like a squash. "Hi. I'm Squashhead. Can I stay withyou?" Pumpkinhead had never seen such a beautiful woman and married her right away. They lived happily ever after as vegetable farmers.
Most of these are unrealistic ideals, but hey. I can dream, can't I?
Well, there were a lot more girl related ones about what a girl wants, but since my viewers are mostly guys, I decided not to post them. So, you get the gist of it from the ones I already have.
You're an amazing kid. I mean like, when I'm down or sad, you always cheer me up even if you're not in a good mood! Thanks Ryan. :)
Sunday, April 15, 2012
I had an amazing dream. I had a dream where we were talking again, and it was just like good times. Everything was bright and happy. The sun was shining and it looked like one of those times that everyone was having such a good time and it was just pure bliss. Then I woke up, I was still happy, until I remembered. Then...the feelings of bliss went away.
You don't even need me anymore, and yet, I still wait for you in case you do need me. I still don't know what I did, if I did anything at all. You told my mom you weren't mad at me.
You say I don't express how happy I am when I'm with you or how much I care about you. I do care about you, more than you can imagine. I stress out about your whereabouts, if you're okay, if you're safe, and if you're happy most of all. I never want to screw up when I'm with or around you. I want to make you happy like you make me happy. I just don't know how to.
Thanks for hanging out with me. <3
Although I'm sorry for whatever I did, whatever I brought up, I had a great time with you.
Although I LOOK like "fml, I'm with you." I really enjoy my time with you. No matter what we're doing, no matter where we are, you're the only one that actually makes me happy. Although on the outside it doesn't look like I'm having fun, I really am. I'm so happy when I'm with you, even if I can't or don't show it.
I hope you know that, and I hope you will forgive me, and correct me when I'm wrong and help me right my wrongs.
Stop it at 1:07, 1:15, 1:40, . That's how I feel sometimes.
Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping thoughts won't lie (won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Who has to know
Who has to know
2:072:34
House phone goes off.
Thinks it's my cell phone, wakes up and grabs at phone.
Luckily I'm fine after the surgery. :D Most of you guys already heard about the...err...
"The worst part about this whole thing was feeling the heart from the laser and smelling my own flesh burn."
Graphic? Yes, yes it is.
Anyways, this is what I really wanted to tell you.
Are you tired of being stuck in the friend zone? Don't you hate it? Well, here are some links that may get you out of and stay out of the friend zone! This is aimed for the male audience though, sorry laydays. :/ But I think it applies to both sexes, so enjoy your read!
Well, today's the day I haven't really been looking forward to all week. ._.
(Technically not true, since I have yet to embarrass myself yet by breaking a social norm.)
Anyways, today's the day of my tooth uncovering process. Try to visualize this.
A tooth is growing at a 45 degree angle, and it's going to impact the root of my other tooth soon if we don't take care of this (thank goodness for x-rays). It's covered completely by gums, it never came out, so we've never seen it.
So what they're going to do is take a little laser, cut away some gum, stick a bracket on the tooth, attach a gold chain to the bracket (helps bring the tooth down) and attach the chain to my braces. Just like what they did to my other tooth.
What will it take to prove myself worthy? What will it take to prove to myself that I am good enough?! When is it finally my turn to feel good about myself, no matter what I do or where I go? Why can't I just allow myself that simple pleasure of being proud of whatever I do? It's feels like it's own version of self-harm, but it's just low self-esteem.
I'm always comparing myself to people, like Karen. And it always hurts me to know I will never be like her. I will never be successful in anything I do. I can't do my job as well as Karen does her job. I remember once, she told me that she was always tired of being compared to Erin, just like how Rory was always tired of being compared to Erin, and how Erin gets to do everything first, and how good she is. Well...I feel like how they felt. I feel like I can't do anything as good as Karen. Karen gets to do everything first, she has her priorities straight, she's cute, she's super smart, she has amazing leadership skills, she's a reliable and trustworthy person, she's taking a ton of AP classes because she's smart, she pushes herself, she's athletic, she's witty, she's can draw, she's just all around perfect in my mind. She's everything I'm not. She can't accept failure, but I can, and I think that's what caused my downfall.
I thought I was pretty good in English. Karen's better. I thought I was a pretty good musician. Karen's better. I thought I was being new and creative and innovative. Karen's done things I could only dream of. She's done so much that I could never do. I lost my motivation now. I just suck.
I have been flattened by the self-esteem steamroller.
And you know what powered this steamroller? Jealousy.
The car, a blue mini van, whipped around the corner I was just about to cross. "WHAT THE...?" I shouted as this blue mini van came to a stop less than a foot from where I was about to cross. I quickly assessed the situation and recalled basic stranger-danger type of scenarios. Okay...if the person comes out of the car and approaches me, I run or attack them, I'll figure that out when I cross that bridge...If the person pulls out a gun and threatens me, I keep my cool and do whatever I have to do to survive...Man, I wish I payed more attention in C4...
The person got out of the car and started walking towards me. I could tell this person was female, tall, wearing dark sun glasses, and boy, did she look really pissed off. Her face was a nasty shade of red. I paled when I recognized my mom coming straight at me looking like an angry rhino with her flared nostrils.
"KIMMI VIOLET WONG. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MAD I AM AT YOU." Her face was turning purple now, since she was screaming so loud. People started coming out of the house to see what the commotion was about.
"I WAITED FOR 2 HOURS AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME YOU NEED A RIDE HOME TODAY. I FOLLOWED YOU TO SAM'S HOUSE BECAUSE SOMEONE HERE DIDN'T TELL ME THEY DIDN'T NEED A RIDE HOME. WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME, GAS AND MONEY FOR ME TO PICK YOU UP IF YOU WERE GOING TO WALK HOME INSTEAD? WHY DID YOU MAKE WAIT FOR YOU? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO SHOW UP? YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?"
"...I'm sorry..." I managed to stutter to my foaming-at-the-mouth mother.
"WELL YOU BETTER BE SORRY. YOU ARE NO LONGER GETTING RIDES FROM ME, AND YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR 6 MONTHS. NO GOING OUT, NO PLAYING ANY GAMES, NO SOCIALIZING AND YOU ARE WALKING TO AND FROM SCHOOL FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS."
"But...what about school projects? It might be a group project!"
"I WILL DISCUSS WITH YOUR TEACHER AN ALTERNATIVE SOLO PROJECT."
"...fine."
By this time, my mom had cooled off. The nasty veins that were popping out of her neck a mere 3 minutes ago had receded back into her neck. She glared at me and said, "Good." She seemed to finally notice the small crowd of curious bystanders and she screamed at them, "GO ABOUT YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, AND STOP FUCKING STARING AT ME."
Her screaming was effective enough, and everyone dispersed after that. My mom got into her car and drove (sorry, I meant SPED) off. She ran a few red lights going the opposite direction of our house. That meant one thing. She was heading off to the bar to drink.
I was still standing on the corner of the street watching my mom's tail lights fade away. I felt nothing for myself, but I certainly felt bad for her. It isn't easy raising a teenage girl with a mind of her own, while going through a nasty divorce. My dad was taking everything from us, mostly our money and our assets. He was the one who filed for divorce a few months ago. We still don't know the reason why he's filing for divorce. My guess is affair, but there might be something else that we don't know. My poor mom was sideswiped by the divorce, she had no idea it was coming, and neither did I for that matter. Since she found out, she turned to alcohol for comfort. I would lie awake and listen to her stumble in late at night. I would hear her stumble around the hallway and she'd shut her room door. She would start crying after she shut her door and I'd get out of bed and knock on her door, but she'd scream at me to go away. I would sit outside her door and wait there all night, just in case she needed me.
I sighed. It looked like tonight would be one of those nights. I started walking towards the sunset, towards home. I figured I'd go home and microwave something for me to eat. Then I'd wait for my mom to stumble in. I decided I'd clean up the house a bit, and prepare for the long night ahead of me.
I took a deep breath and looked around before I started walking. Everyone had gone inside after my mom had screamed at them. I didn't see the boy around my age who had seen everything. I didn't see his eyes following me while I walked home.
I can't promise much, but I can promise to never be normal. :D
Here's proof.
Oh, and this is what you get when you give me an iPad to play with...there are about two normal pictures in these, haha.
The Tempest
