Daymare

So I got out of class early today, so I decided to take like a 15 minute nap in my car.

And that 15 minute nap lead to one of the most bizarre and sorta nightmareish dream that I have remembered. I think the scariest part is that I knew why some scenes were in my dream.

All I can remember was that I was driving in a parking structure with lots and turns in it; it sorta reminded me a little of the Ikea parking lot or 7th street parking lot (it was either a parking structure at a mall or at De Anza) and then I ran into my old middle school's band. They were going on a field trip. I ended up chaperoning the band. They were going to Santa Cruz beach for a fun filled day. I remember seeing my old band director there telling the kids where to go and stuff. Then I remember sitting in the front of the bus passing out some Dark Kona Coffee candies. There was this one girl Gwen, who had a sister who said fairly loudly, "I bet she stole these." I was confused, but I didn't say anything. After a few glares from people, I stood up and turned around and said, "Whoever said that come forward. I want to talk to you." (At the time I didn't know who said it) The thing was, was that the first time I tried doing that no one listened to me. I tried it again and it worked. Ms. Poulin advised me not to make a confrontation, but I did anyways. Besides, after I made my statement, Gwen's sister came forward and said, "Yeah I saw you. You spend so much time at the Great Mall watching movies. Do you even go to school? Do you even have a job?"
"I do go to school. And I only saw three movies."
Gwen's sister said to Gwen, "She was there with a large group of people."
I said, "There were only four people. I don't think that's very large."
And then I think Gwen's sister walked away and sat down and I talked to Gwen about fall semester and the 9AM-5PM classes that I had.

After that, I got off the bus (the bus never left the parking lot) and I vaguely remember Ms. Poulin giving me a google maps sheet that had the location of where we were supposed to meet up at. I took it and got into my car and started it up. I left my emergency parking break off, but my car was still in park mode so I started to roll slowly downhill while I was punching in the address on my GPS. I looked up in time and hit the break pedal so I wouldn't crash into a poll. Then, since I was in a no parking zone or something, I backed out and went  to this random parking spot that said "Get rid of your car here! By appointment only." And underneath that it had a timer of like 8 minutes til the I guess dumpster truck came and got rid of your car. So I finished punching in the numbers and I remember the GPS saying it couldn't find it.

Then I woke up.

I'm no expert on dreams, but this one seemed pretty clear to me what was going on, so I'll break it down for you.

The Breakdown:
- I dreamed of a parking structure probably because I was sleeping in one.
- I was being reminiscent of middle school because that's when I went to Santa Cruz with my friends. I also think I dreamed of Santa Cruz for an entirely different reason which I will not disclose here. Or maybe that's around the time when I met Andie back in middle school, and today is her birthday. I'll let you decide which reason it is.
- I actually did receive a bag of dark chocolate kona coffee macadamia nuts. I don't really know what the purpose was for it in my dream.
- I don't like confronting people, but if it needs to be done, I will do it. It's not very efficient, I know.
- When I went to Daiso a week ago, I really did see Gwen there and I think the girl next to her was her sister, I wasn't sure.
- The whole job vs. school thing has obviously been bothering me, knowing that I don't have time for a job.
- I really did see three movies. I saw Pacific Rim twice and I saw Monsters University. I remember I was thinking of the night I went with Jeremy, Megan, Viet, and I.
- I have issues with my car. It's mainly my fault, like locking the door. But sometimes, the emergency brake light won't turn on when I pull it up, even though I'm sure it's working.
- I guess the timer signifies the short amount of time I feel like I have to do things.


For me, the scariest part of this was knowing where most of it was coming from. Usually my dreams are random, an what not, but for this one, I knew where most of it was coming from and that was pretty frightening. I thought dreams were supposed to be random subconscious. I guess I know what my subconscious is thinking about.

Shelf life

I hate having to worrying about the shelf life of things. 

Like making sure you have enough gas, making sure your phone battery is charged, wondering about the shelf life of a friendship, wondering about the shelf life of someone else, wondering abput your own shelf life. 

If this stuff were infinite I wouldn't have to worry about this. And that would be so much less stressful.

R.I..P

There comes a point in your life where you really don't know what's going on. I went beyond that point. I'm lost now. Just as lost as a ship that's out to sea and can't see the comforting lighthouse light. 

It was bound to happen, I keep telling myself. Sacrifices will always be made. I wish I knew what I had sacrificred. 

So much to say, so little time to say it. 

Rest in peace.

Can you define this?

What is a best friend?

I do not know anymore. 

@____@

Hitting the drumpad harder will NOT get you more accurate results, okay pumpkin? .___.

Something like parenthood

I mean, yeah.

I'll miss all those good times we had together. I'll miss them, but I won't forget them. I'll cherish them because you have always been the best friend I wanted, but never really had.

It sorta feels like parenthood where you nurture your child and then they push you away. It feels something like that. You can't wait to see what they become of themselves, and you hope you did a good job in guiding them and steering them in the right direction. You hope that they took your advice and make right decisions. But, there comes a time where your child will have to push off from you and make his or her own way in this world, and you can't do anything about it. They make their own mistakes, and find their own solutions. They don't need you anymore.

You watch your child fade away into the distance and you hope that one day, they'll come back. Maybe not to stay, but maybe for a visit. And there comes a time where you'll need them as much as they needed you. And it's up to them if they're willing or able to come back to you.

"'I told her that when you didn't need me - but you did want me: then I must leave you.'"
- Nurse Matilda

Love

What is love?

I do not even care; FUCK love. It does not exist in any romantic sense. When a parent loves a child it is because the child is weak and needs to be cared for. When a friend loves another friend it is because they are close. 

To me, love is something that does not exist. Instead, it is how people use other people to get them to do what you want. It is true. Think of how so many have been manipulated by this word, or feeling, named "love". "Love" in a romance, does not exist. I doubt I would find a guy that would "love" me unconditionally. I doubt that actual "love" exists between people. 

Sure, you can call me bitter or whatever it is you want to call me. Sure, I'm bitter. I mean, if you look at my track record, I think you'd be bitter too. It is best to give up on something that you can never have. It is almost like a PPC graph. You have the inefficient side, the efficient side, and the unattainable side because it's impossible to get there. Right now I'm working between the inefficient and the efficient side. Screw reaching for the stars. I didn't want to go to space anyways. 

Dream

Ugh. Can you not. Get out of my head; this is the second time I've dreamed of you.

Under my skin.

This morning I woke up thinking about three different things. 

1) What I said last night

2) What I did last night

And

3) Econ class today.

I have no sense of right or wrong anymore. On the upside, I'm about half a chapter away from getting caught up in Econ. Yay for staying up til like 2:30AM getting caught up!

ALLERGIES.

My allergies are acting up.

Probably because there's so much BULLSHIT in the air.

No, I'm just kidding, it's because Harley's shedding and he's bringing in some foreign things, like dust particles or something. Meh. And also, it appears that I have no nose hairs. Wtf.

Lyrics

Favorite lyrics from Everlong (acoustic version). The acoustic version is sho gewd. 

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

Thinking Aloud

I'm back to blogging. I'm scared. I don't know what will happen now, but I had to know so I asked. And I guess I found out, but what really scares me is the fact that I really don't know anything at all. I'm scared of what I can't control, I'm scared of losing my best friend, I'm scared that I wouldn't be successful, I'm scared I won't do well. That I'm so pathetic and good-for-nothing I won't be able to sucessful. 

It sort of hurts me that I know my friends are better than me that they can do the things that their job requires them to do. Sometimes I think my time here is short, and that I'm not meant to exceed a certain age, and that I won't have to worry about getting a job because I won't be around to have one. I'm scared I won't do a good job. I'm scared no one will love me for me; I'm scared no one will love me. I'm insecure. I think I can do things, but I really can't. 

I won't end my life, don't worry about that. I'm just going with the flow. I want to go on a long roadtrip with someone, I want to have common ground with people. I don't want to be lonely. And, do I regret telling you what I told you? Not in the slightest. At least I confronted you. But I know you like her and I know you'll be with her. I'm not jealous; I'm scared I'll lose my best friend. It's another thing out of my control. I should just immerse myself in my work, but I can't. I won't be able to focus. 

Friend. If I could let you feel this feeling, I think you'd understand. And I remember reading your formspring from a long time ago. You said the one thing you'd want to get better at would be lying. Well, congratulations are in order then. Because you're great at lying now. And it hurts because I believe you blindly, and I trust you with all my heart. 

Who to believe? What to believe? The truth will always be hidden behind layers and layers and I'm just too tired to peel back all of those layers. I tell you everything regardless if it's important or not. It's because you're my best friend and I tell you everything. 

So many topics, so much history. I think I want to spend some time at my "cousin's" place in San Jose. I wouldn't mind talking to him again, he's pretty open. But I bet he'll be busy, and I'd rather not intrude on him anyways. I'll text him later though. Maybe I should spend time with my Omega. I really do miss her. I wonder how she's doing. 

I need to do my homework now.

End. 

Truth

The truth is so muddled I don't know sho to believe or trust anymore. Someone broke my trust, and I will never trust either of them the same way again.

I hate the standard. 

Quotes

I want a new start.

Lonely life

I just wanna cuddle. T______T

Irritated af.

):

I am having uncharitable thoughts.

New Heights

I do not regret going to SF for the Lunar New Year concert. <3

I would've never been introduced to New Heights if I didn't go. An awesome decision. 

What's Good For Me.

A Beach Story

It was a mild morning, perfect California weather. I only lived eight blocks from the ocean, so I decided to walk down to the shore to do some sea glass hunting. I have this small jar at home filled with sea glass and I love holding the jar up to the light and watch the whites, greens, browns and specks of blue reflect onto the walls.

I slipped on my flip flops, grabbed an empty zip lock bag and headed down towards the beach. What a beautiful day.The seagulls were soaring high over head, a light breeze blew through the trees, and there were colorful sailboats and windsurfers out in the ocean. I smiled at the sight and wished I brought my camera to capture this beautiful moment. I started walking along the shoreline, trying to find sea glass as well as sea shells to add to my small collection.

It was late afternoon by the time I finished. I had my flip flops in one hand, and in the other I held my zip lock bag that was filled with brown, green, and white sea glass. I was slightly disappointed because I wanted to find rare and exquisite colors like red, yellow and blue, but luck was not with me. I was heading back up the shoreline to my home when I happened to look to my left at the ocean. The sun was setting and the ocean was sparkling, catching the sun's last rays. Everything looked so beautiful; I stopped to take it all in for a moment. I walked towards the sea, and stopped in the incoming tide. Woosh woosh, the sea said. To me, it sounded like it was saying wish wish and that's what I did. I closed my eyes and made a wish. I opened my eyes and smiled one last smile at the sea, and then I turned to walk away.

I took one step forward and I went flying headfirst into the sand.
"Whoa! What the heck?! Who would put something here?!" I said, after I spit out a mouthful of sand.
I bent down and examined the object that sent me flying.

It was a seemingly empty green glass beer bottle that had a cork in it. I picked it up and took a closer look. There was this odd misty...thing inside the bottle.
What the...what is this? I shook the bottle a bit and the mist faded away.
Then, all of a sudden, a white misty face with wild eyes appeared in the bottle and stared at me. I gasped and dropped the bottle.
"OUCH. Why'd you drop me for?! Just because I don't have a body doesn't mean you can just manhandle and drop me like a hot potato! Jerk! I have feelings too you know! And I don't appreciate it when people wake me up from my millennium of sleep."
"Wha-...y-y-you...can talk?" I was doing an excellent job of understanding things today. This...thing just told me that it's been sleeping for a millennium and all I got out of it was that it could talk to me.
"Of course I can, you idiot. Just because I'm made of mist, doesn't mean that my brain is too! Dummy..." The mist thing scoffed at me.

By this time, I was getting used to the fact that a disembodied head was talking to me, and I decided I was tired of it berating me. Especially since we didn't exchange pleasantries yet.
"Mr. Disembodied head, mist, sir, dude, whatever, I don't appreciate you being so RUDE to me after I just woke you up out of your nice slumber. Not many people can sleep through a millennium  you know. Even if they wanted to. Wait...how did you know it's been a millennium if you just woke up? I never told you the date, nor is there a calendar or anything that says the date around here. And who exactly ARE you anyways?"
"Well, well, well. Aren't you Miss Observant? Good job, I give you an A+ for being this observant. If I had arms, I'd give you a nice shiny golden star. I know a millennium has passed because that's when they told me I'd wake up. My identity is not important to you at the moment, and it won't be for a while. Any other questions?"
"So...you were placed here? Why?"
"Wow, you caught that, huh? You're smarter than you look. I was placed here because something horrible will happen in a few weeks. I was placed here to find you actually. Because you're supposed to stop this horrible thing from happening. I don't understand why they couldn't give me arms or legs...and a body would be nice too...well, they're idiots anyways. But now that I've found you we can get started on things."
"Who is they and...how do you know something horrible will happen, and why do I have to stop it? What if it was an accident that I found you and you're supposed to be waiting for someone else?"
"My, you certainly ask a lot of questions. You'll get all your answers later on. We need to get to somewhere private. You should probably put me in a bag or something, you wouldn't want people freaking out seeing you carrying a disembodied head that can talk, do you? And once we get to somewhere that's more private, I'll answer some of your questions. Now get moving! It's getting cold in this stupid bottle I'm in."

Everybody wants to be loved
Every once in a while
We all need someone to hold onto
Just like a helpless child
Can you whisper in my ear? Let me know it's alright
It's been a long time coming
Down this road
And now I know, what I've been searching for
Oh it's been a long long highway and
Now I see
Love's been a long time
Oh been a long time
Love's been a long time coming.

Friend

Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be your friend

Forever and ever, babe.

(:

Hihi!

I'm in a really happy mood right now. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my big gave me a present or maybe it's because I like my professors and stuff. In either case, I haven't felt this elated for a while. :D

BIBLE

Me: Oh my gosh, who would read the Bible?

Britt: ...Christians.

Me: I wasn't really thinking, huh...

Believe it or not, but Harold and Kumar have some very very interesting things to say.
Especially the poem that Kumar read to his girl. Don't remember it? Well, here it is"

I'm sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed.

It's teh best freaking poem ever. If any guy ever says this to me, I'd be the luckiest girl everrr.
Even though I totally hate math...I'd still like this poem. :D

Hang Out?

I want to hang out with you, and I want to spend as much time as I can with you, but I can't find any excuse to hang out. Besides, you're busy doing things. I waste your time.

Random Thoughts

Hello there. Long time no talk. Here's a bunch of random thoughts.

Anyways, I've spent most of my break not doing much. I've been pretty beat, but I think, no, I BELIEVE I can tackle next semester. I'm taking life one semester at a time. I'm way more laid back now, and I can't wait to start again. I need something to do, and well...it's time for me to move on.

I'm really glad he's out of the hospital. I need to be careful around him though, I don't want him to get sent back again. That'll make me sad. Anyways, I'm just glad he's out of the hospital. I don't know how spring break will go, but I hope everything goes well for him. I really really do. I want him back in one piece, alive and well, please!

Oh, and I wanted to say THANK YOU to John Nguyen. He's such an awesome person and selfless person, I am serious. He hosted a sleepover with Aretha, Dulce, and I, took care of his younger siblings, made soup for me when I was sick, made sure everyone was comfortable, and he cleaned up after us. Wow. He's just amazing. I hope for the best for him too. He deserves only the best, and honestly, any girl who is lucky enough to get him BETTER hold on to him. John's one of the best people I know. I'm glad I met him.

End.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year.
I stayed up all night, I have huge dark circles under my eyes, and I'm sick. Yay, I guess staying up all night wasn't the smartest idea I had.
Last night though.
I wasn't really mad at anyone, I just wanted to find something within myself. Did I find it? Sure, I guess you can say I did. I found it and wrote it down and then I burned it.