It sort of hurts me that I know my friends are better than me that they can do the things that their job requires them to do. Sometimes I think my time here is short, and that I'm not meant to exceed a certain age, and that I won't have to worry about getting a job because I won't be around to have one. I'm scared I won't do a good job. I'm scared no one will love me for me; I'm scared no one will love me. I'm insecure. I think I can do things, but I really can't.
I won't end my life, don't worry about that. I'm just going with the flow. I want to go on a long roadtrip with someone, I want to have common ground with people. I don't want to be lonely. And, do I regret telling you what I told you? Not in the slightest. At least I confronted you. But I know you like her and I know you'll be with her. I'm not jealous; I'm scared I'll lose my best friend. It's another thing out of my control. I should just immerse myself in my work, but I can't. I won't be able to focus.
Friend. If I could let you feel this feeling, I think you'd understand. And I remember reading your formspring from a long time ago. You said the one thing you'd want to get better at would be lying. Well, congratulations are in order then. Because you're great at lying now. And it hurts because I believe you blindly, and I trust you with all my heart.
Who to believe? What to believe? The truth will always be hidden behind layers and layers and I'm just too tired to peel back all of those layers. I tell you everything regardless if it's important or not. It's because you're my best friend and I tell you everything.
So many topics, so much history. I think I want to spend some time at my "cousin's" place in San Jose. I wouldn't mind talking to him again, he's pretty open. But I bet he'll be busy, and I'd rather not intrude on him anyways. I'll text him later though. Maybe I should spend time with my Omega. I really do miss her. I wonder how she's doing.
I need to do my homework now.
End.
No comments:
Post a Comment