@____@

Hitting the drumpad harder will NOT get you more accurate results, okay pumpkin? .___.

Something like parenthood

I mean, yeah.

I'll miss all those good times we had together. I'll miss them, but I won't forget them. I'll cherish them because you have always been the best friend I wanted, but never really had.

It sorta feels like parenthood where you nurture your child and then they push you away. It feels something like that. You can't wait to see what they become of themselves, and you hope you did a good job in guiding them and steering them in the right direction. You hope that they took your advice and make right decisions. But, there comes a time where your child will have to push off from you and make his or her own way in this world, and you can't do anything about it. They make their own mistakes, and find their own solutions. They don't need you anymore.

You watch your child fade away into the distance and you hope that one day, they'll come back. Maybe not to stay, but maybe for a visit. And there comes a time where you'll need them as much as they needed you. And it's up to them if they're willing or able to come back to you.

"'I told her that when you didn't need me - but you did want me: then I must leave you.'"
- Nurse Matilda

Love

What is love?

I do not even care; FUCK love. It does not exist in any romantic sense. When a parent loves a child it is because the child is weak and needs to be cared for. When a friend loves another friend it is because they are close. 

To me, love is something that does not exist. Instead, it is how people use other people to get them to do what you want. It is true. Think of how so many have been manipulated by this word, or feeling, named "love". "Love" in a romance, does not exist. I doubt I would find a guy that would "love" me unconditionally. I doubt that actual "love" exists between people. 

Sure, you can call me bitter or whatever it is you want to call me. Sure, I'm bitter. I mean, if you look at my track record, I think you'd be bitter too. It is best to give up on something that you can never have. It is almost like a PPC graph. You have the inefficient side, the efficient side, and the unattainable side because it's impossible to get there. Right now I'm working between the inefficient and the efficient side. Screw reaching for the stars. I didn't want to go to space anyways. 

Dream

Ugh. Can you not. Get out of my head; this is the second time I've dreamed of you.

Under my skin.

This morning I woke up thinking about three different things. 

1) What I said last night

2) What I did last night

And

3) Econ class today.

I have no sense of right or wrong anymore. On the upside, I'm about half a chapter away from getting caught up in Econ. Yay for staying up til like 2:30AM getting caught up!

ALLERGIES.

My allergies are acting up.

Probably because there's so much BULLSHIT in the air.

No, I'm just kidding, it's because Harley's shedding and he's bringing in some foreign things, like dust particles or something. Meh. And also, it appears that I have no nose hairs. Wtf.

Lyrics

Favorite lyrics from Everlong (acoustic version). The acoustic version is sho gewd. 

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

Thinking Aloud

I'm back to blogging. I'm scared. I don't know what will happen now, but I had to know so I asked. And I guess I found out, but what really scares me is the fact that I really don't know anything at all. I'm scared of what I can't control, I'm scared of losing my best friend, I'm scared that I wouldn't be successful, I'm scared I won't do well. That I'm so pathetic and good-for-nothing I won't be able to sucessful. 

It sort of hurts me that I know my friends are better than me that they can do the things that their job requires them to do. Sometimes I think my time here is short, and that I'm not meant to exceed a certain age, and that I won't have to worry about getting a job because I won't be around to have one. I'm scared I won't do a good job. I'm scared no one will love me for me; I'm scared no one will love me. I'm insecure. I think I can do things, but I really can't. 

I won't end my life, don't worry about that. I'm just going with the flow. I want to go on a long roadtrip with someone, I want to have common ground with people. I don't want to be lonely. And, do I regret telling you what I told you? Not in the slightest. At least I confronted you. But I know you like her and I know you'll be with her. I'm not jealous; I'm scared I'll lose my best friend. It's another thing out of my control. I should just immerse myself in my work, but I can't. I won't be able to focus. 

Friend. If I could let you feel this feeling, I think you'd understand. And I remember reading your formspring from a long time ago. You said the one thing you'd want to get better at would be lying. Well, congratulations are in order then. Because you're great at lying now. And it hurts because I believe you blindly, and I trust you with all my heart. 

Who to believe? What to believe? The truth will always be hidden behind layers and layers and I'm just too tired to peel back all of those layers. I tell you everything regardless if it's important or not. It's because you're my best friend and I tell you everything. 

So many topics, so much history. I think I want to spend some time at my "cousin's" place in San Jose. I wouldn't mind talking to him again, he's pretty open. But I bet he'll be busy, and I'd rather not intrude on him anyways. I'll text him later though. Maybe I should spend time with my Omega. I really do miss her. I wonder how she's doing. 

I need to do my homework now.

End. 

Truth

The truth is so muddled I don't know sho to believe or trust anymore. Someone broke my trust, and I will never trust either of them the same way again.

I hate the standard.