I need another story, something to get off my chest. My life gets kind of boring, I need something I can confess. With my sleeves I stained red, with the truths that I said...

I feel like a ghost in my own house on Thanksgiving Day. No one is talking to me, it really feels like I don't exist. It makes me wonder if I DO exist. I feel as if I left to my room, I wouldn't be missed. Maybe I just need attention. Why am I acting so strangely? Why am I feeling this way? I am tired, but I don't think that's why.

2 AM Sadness

Two postings in one night? No way. This one is a little sad though, so beware.

It's been over three years, and whenever I least expect it, I stumble upon an old text from you. And every time I read it, it brings tears to my eyes. I miss you Robin. I wish you didn't have to go so soon.

I still think about you every so often. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you're looking out for us. I wish you were still here so I could talk to you about stupid things. I remember in high school I would text you about random things, like I would tell you what class I was in, or what I was doing. I know it brought a smile to your face, and I miss that. I also miss the nickname you gave me. Kelly girl. It's nothing special, but I just miss it. I miss you so much. Visit me in my dreams, so we can catch up. 

I felt you last time I visited Hawaii. Darren and I felt you there with us, thanking us perhaps. I just wanted to say that we know it was you. And it made me believe you're still with us watching over us and making sure we're okay. I'm sorry we couldn't spend a lot of time with you then. It was getting dark, and we weren't allowed to stay longer. I hope Auntie Carol is with you, and you guys are having the time of your lives. I hope you're watching over Brandon and making sure he's okay. I know you two are at least. I'm sorry Auntie Carol, that I wasn't able to see you one last time before you passed. But at least I got to talk to you a little bit over FaceTime. I'll miss the foods that you would cook, and I'll miss the cute Christmas cards you would send to us. I'll miss all of it. I saved a few, just so I can have a few mementos of you both.

I love you both so much. And I miss both of you. 

Twenty Days Later

It feels different. I'm in a different place than I was so many years ago.

It's almost 2AM, and I have a 7:30AM yoga class in the morning. I don't know why I'm still awake. I'm probably awake because I've been thinking of a guy. I don't want to say he's not special, but he might be. I don't know a lot about him, and I'd like to.

I'm also very amused by how I'm typing. I have a mirror next to my desk, and it's level with my keyboard, so I'm watching the reflection of my fingers typing. It's actually really calming and relaxing to watch. My fingers, for the most part know where the keys are. It's fun watching how indecisive my mind is. It shows in the way I type. Whenever I have a good flow of thought, my fingers just fly across the keyboard like water. Whenever I have a halting thought, you can see my hands and fingers pause and hesitantly spell out or erase a word. It's amusing because my fingers just stop and hover for a moment over the keyboard, like they're trying to think of what to say next. It's cool seeing the physical disconnect between mind and hands. Like, can you believe one part of your body can control another? Your brain controls what your hands do, and it's crazy seeing your hands and fingers reflect what's going on in your mind.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm a little drowsy, so I guess I'll head to bed. I think everyone should watch how their fingers fly across a keyboard when they've struck upon a thought. I'm suddenly awake of the small things I do with my hands. After I finish writing something I bring my left hand off the keyboard and I lightly clench my hand. Especially when I'm thinking of what to say next. How fascinating.

Stanley

Thanks for being a buddy.

I'm not attracted to you anymore, but I give you tons of kudos for still being my friend throughout everything. 

I think that week gap of not talking to each other really helped out. It made me realize that you're perfect for someone else that isn't me. I will always cherish you as a friend. Thanks for always listening to me and coming out just to make sure I was alright.

Thank you. I feel more at peace with myself now.

What

It actually bothers me how many people don't understand why I'm affected by Chi's death.

It boggles my mind completely.