Sleep

I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I have not slept peacefully through a night since last week Monday. So much going on, and nothing I can do about it.

Let’s see here. 

Monday: surgery

Tuesday: restless sleep/stayed over but couldn’t sleep due to sleep screaming/unfamiliar environment

Wednesday: finally went home to sleep in my own bed, but stayed up late. Also I was running on a total of maybe 9 hrs of sleep the past few days

Thursday: exhausted. Took a nap + stayed up hella late playing games

Friday: stayed out. Had a dream about either someone dying or an active shooter (common dreams tbh)

Saturday: woke up early. Went out. Was exhausted

Sunday: was out all day, didn’t really eat. Came home, slept at 8:30pm woke up at 9:30 to brush my teeth, back to sleep and woke back up at 11:59pm. I’ve been awake since, and it’s almost 4am.

Also I just feel sad. Especially late at night, a ton of repressed things tend to come back up. It’s the BEST thing EVER.

What is sleeping through the night anyways?

Well.
Another rambling post about things that I feel are a problem.

This has been an emotionally tedious week, and it's only Tuesday. You know it's bad when I don't think I have the strength to get up and out of bed. There was a mass shooting in Vegas. About 60 people (maybe more) have already died. Some of the people that passed, my friends/family knew. Lots of death.

It's such a senseless thing to happen. And the worst part is, no one can make any sense of it at all.

I know I'm not handling things well, or at my peak right now. I know I have so much to change and do. I still have plenty of self doubts about everything. I question  my apperance, about the way I act, about how people percieve me. What do they see physically? No one would ever tell me that I was a pretty girl. They'd tell me as an after thought or after getting to know me. It's happened many times before.

On slightly brighter tones, I feel like I'm getting a little more accepted with the boys, Alan, Francisco, and Doug. I don't feel like they dislike me anymore. Maybe it's because I've been talking to them one on one lately. They're very sweet.

But again, on another hand, AS does not recognize me as president. Imagine doing/putting in work and not being recognized for it. Sucks man. Really does. Luckily though, the nice dude told us that they were revamping the system, so maybe I'll be a recognized president. Maybe. I'm not sure.

I stopped working at St. James. I honestly think working there was a tedious experience all around. It was...there are no words to describe it, really.

I feel bad. I'm probably being a super down/negative person, and I need to stop. I need to remind myself that things aren't bad. We can always adjust and change things if necessary. I should really just stop saying anything. Maybe if I'm more positive dudes will like me!/s.

It's almost 1am. I am exhausted and I'm going to bed.