Stop saying sorry + more regrets

Every time someone says, "I'm sorry for your loss" I want to get so mad. All the sorries in the world will never bring her back. 

I'm emotionally exhausted. 

I want to skip to the "getting better" phase. But the getting better phase is only after I've been hurt so badly.

I can't imagine what you went through, Nat. 

You'll always be Nat the Cat to me. Nat who loved tea and cats. Who loved board games and strategy games. Who loved building worlds and playing City Skylines. Who was as gay as can be and proud of her gayness. Who loved memes and games and visual graphic novels (especially if there were lesbian things happening). 

...

I don't know anymore. Every day I message you. I know I'll never get  response back, and I know one day I'll stop messaging you. I wish I had Skyped or Google+'d you more, or played more games with you. 

I love you. I'll always give you validation, because to me, you are valid.

Dear Natalie,

I know you'll never read this. Maybe one day, I'll print it out and burn it, and maybe you'll be able to read it. But for now, I guess this will suffice.

I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I love you.
I miss you.

I wish I could tell you that I love you, and I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me, one last time. But I'll never be able to tell you that. I'll never see your reaction to anything, and the only thing I have left of you is all the physical memories you gave me. The shirt you got me when you went to the UK, the journal we used to pass back and forth in class, the note you left me on Christmas.

I have all these things, but these still aren't enough to hold the memory of you.

I knew you were truly gone when I saw you in my dream. I knew you were there to say goodbye to me. I wish I could've told you then that I love you and that I didn't want you to go. I wish I had said something to you then. I was too late. When I saw you in my dreams, it was already too late.

All of the what ifs, and all of the things I'll never get to tell you will haunt me. When I found out you passed, I cried. I cried the hardest I have ever cried in my life. A large part of me doesn't want to believe you're truly gone, and for a solid day I was hoping that everything was huge misunderstanding, and that you'll be back. I read the news reports and everything, but I still didn't want to believe. I'm trying to accept that you're gone now, but it's too hard for me to accept it.

I wish I told you more about me. When you would ask us in group chats how we were, I wish I actually told you. I wish I didn't hide things from you. We'll never go dress shopping in Seattle, and I'll never get to visit you or your cats in Sammamish.

I'll never get to see you alive again.

I hope you're okay wherever you are.

I'm fucking sad that you're gone. I have so many regrets, and so many things I wish I told you. I'll never get your reaction to these things, since you're gone now.

I love you, Natalie. I hope you're in a better place now.