Dear Natalie,

As always, it's been a while.

As the season changes from hot summer days to cool autumn nights, I find myself thinking of you.

I frequently think of you when I'm driving or when I'm doing something that I think you'd like. In a few weeks, it'll be 2 years.

I still have trouble talking about that night/day when I'm with people. I cry every time I try to talk about it. It was a day that dramatically changed my life, and it was a day I was never able to say I'm sorry or that I love you. I miss you so much, and I wish you were here. 

I guess I should update you on my life. Kevin (Riverside Kevin) and I broke up May 1st 2018. The only reason why I remember is because it was on Joseph's birthday (sorry Joseph). It wasn't a really good break up. I blocked him on almost all my social media platforms. I want nothing to do with him; mostly because of the way he treated me at the end. Most of all, it ended and what's done is done. I'm not looking back, and surprisingly I don't really miss him at all now. I did miss him at first (like first 6 months) but, now I'm definitely doing way better. 

Surprisingly, I was on Bumble and Hinge 8 months later (December) and oh boy. I made dating profiles because I didn't want to study for any of my finals (at the time). You know me. When it comes to dating or relationships I'm very naïve and super innocent. 

Well, I matched with this cute Filipino boy, and (unfortunately I GUESS) his name is also Kevin. We planned out first date after talking for a week and the time rolls around for it. We planned to meet at the Tech Museum on a Sunday. He was willing to drive, like, an hour from San Bruno to San Jose. Can you believe it? All for a date with me! Anyway, I had to cancel because the night before, I went out to this potluck with Brian and I got some random food poisoning. I had to cancel our first date an hour before it happened. I felt awful (for cancelling and because anything I ate made me feel nauseated). Kevin was super understanding though, and I really appreciated it. 

Fast forward to the following Thursday and one of my coworkers was leaving and her last day was Friday. Another coworker asked me if I wanted to work Friday afternoon, and if not, she would take my shift. So she took my shift and it freed up my Friday and I texted Kevin and re-planned our first date! We agreed to meet at the San Bruno BART station/Tanforan Shopping Center (public place) and then drive to Urban Putt. 

I was so nervous. I got there an hour early, and then Kevin ended up being an hour late! I was dying from my stomach but also super sleepy and nervous. What if Kevin didn't like me? Anyways, Kevin got off work (that Friday was his last day as an intern at Genentech) and he rushed over to meet me. 

To make an already long story short; we had a great time at mini golf (we even saw/pet a puppy!) and we walked and ate dinner at Pier 39. I went over to his place later that night (no, we didn't hook up) to watch Rent and to cuddle. I left his place at 4am haha and I didn't seem him again for two weeks. He went home to Long Beach for the holidays and I missed him tons. When he got back in January we pretty much went on a date every weekend through Feb and that's when he "officially" asked me to be his girlfriend.

I've been happily with him since. I think you'd really like him. He's phenomenal. He's so smart, he has his Masters degree and he's a year younger than us! On top of being the sweetest man ever, he's also someone I can see me being happily with forever. He cares so much about me, and we're actually very in-tune with each other to the point of we say the same things at the same time. Then, depending on who said what first, the other will get mad at the person who said it first. He's so supportive. He helped me write my personal statements, edited my resume, tutored me in Chem (even though I dropped out), helps me with Ella, drives me places, always makes me laugh, and subconsciously does little things to make me love him even more. 

Examples: when I got to his place in San Bruno, I was just about to ask for a blanket or a jacket, but before I even asked, he had draped one of his jackets around me. This past weekend, he spent the night here and I woke up because I wanted another pillow for my head. As soon as I lifted my head up and rolled over to find another pillow, he had (in his sleep!) took an extra pillow, and put it underneath my head and immediately went back to cuddling me in his sleep. I truly love him. 

He's done so much for me, he even brought me boba when he thought I was depressed. He remembered my drink orders from boba places and bought my ENTIRE FAMILY BOBA. INCLUDING JLAM. That was at least $20 worth of boba! He even came with me to Disneyland and Universal for my birthday, and took me to the 626 NightMarket and let me accompany him to a UCSB road trip (where I met a ton of his wonderful friends)

I truly believe he is one of the most genuine people I have ever met. I'm so seriously lucky to be his girlfriend. I'm so glad he chose me. 

Okay, well I'm done gushing about my boyfriend. I can literally go on for days about how amazing he is, but you got the point. I look forward to us spending more time together. I especially like that he includes me in things, like meeting up with his friends, running errands with him, playing games with him. Spending time with him always makes me feel better, and he definitely knows how to make me laugh (case in point: latex tampons). 

Anyways, now I'm officially done. I hope you're doing okay where ever you are, Nat. As always, I love you and miss you. 

Forever Thinking Of You. 

It's over

I'm not sure what else to say.

I'm sorry for it ending? I'm sorry for causing you pain because of misunderstandings?

I guess we both need time.

I don't think you ever check this, but in case you do; I miss you. I write about it on my Tumblr.

It's Raining

"Everything will be alright, but baby, get some sleep tonight."

Just a friendly reminder to myself that no matter what, things will be okay. 

Sometimes I get confused and lost and I don't understand what I'm doing. It's okay to feel that way. Everyone loses their direction sometimes, and they end up fine. 

After talking to Ben yesterday, I realize that, yeah, sometimes going through life, you're going to hit some rough patches. Things might not work out, you might not end up where you thought you were going. Remembering that you'll be okay in the end helps.

Just need to remember that after the rain passes, the sun comes out, and the area is washed clean. Things are able to grow after the storm passes.

Just need to find the silver lining in things, and to find the positive somewhere.

Time passes and Updates

It's been four months.

I still think about you every so often. Even more so when my brain isn't occupied with other things. There's still so much I'd want to tell you. I want to know your reactions to so many things. I want to play games with you and have boba and chill with you.

This was the first new year that you weren't here with Brian, Amanda, and I. Usually we'd spend it playing games and having a blast (especially with you on an apple cider sugar rush), but this year? It definitely felt different. It might have just been me, but it felt like it was lacking something. We were lacking your energy and your laughs.

I remember when you taught me how to play SushiGo! I love playing that game now. I'll probably invest in my own set, mainly because every time I play, I'll think of you. Thank you for introducing me to that game.

...

There are so many things I want to tell you.

Over November/Thanksgiving, I (not really I, more like a team of us) built my PC. Kevin, Joseph and Amanda helped out with that. Did I learn anything? Maybe. I would say that I learned almost nothing about putting things together, but I for sure understand how to do/fill out a rebate form. I guess the building a PC started off with Kevin lowkey complaining that my laptop sucks AND that he would keep unicorning (glitching like crazy because the connection is awful) across the map when we'd play Borderlands 2. Of course, Joseph also agreed that my set up was garbage, so I decided to build a PC. Kevin was the most helpful though, in terms of explaining everything and why we needed certain things. Joseph? Not as helpful, but you know how he is. Sometimes I look at Joseph like, "wait wat" and then he'll say something along the lines of "yes" or "exactly". Helpful, isn't he? Kevin, on the other hand, SO MUCH BETTER at explaining things. Thanks, my dude. You're the real MVP. Amanda and I just watched movies while Kevin and Joseph set everything up for me. :)

Thanksgiving was sort of weird in a way. To make a long story short, Kevin and I got together (shocking, right?), and, well, the rest is sort of history. We're doing LDR. We see each other from time to time, and we call each other almost every day. We're making it work, and we're making do with what we have, but I do really miss him (because I'm lame and I have emotions too).

Honestly though? I wish I knew how you'd react when either Kevin or I (or both of us) told you that we're dating. I wonder if you would have been surprised, or shocked, or been like "I KNEW IT". I'm curious.

Anyway, December rolled around, and well, I went through class; finished my finals. Got to relax. Kevin came up from the desert, and spent a fairly...social two weeks with me (sorry for making you go out so much, Kevin). He was here til Jan 2nd, and I was an exhausted and sad child when he left.

I'm not sure how I made it through January. Things happened. UOP campus tour, applied for a new job, and got it, bought plane tickets to the desert. I wanted to see Kevin before he flew to Florida, and I also really missed him. Spent a lovely 6 days there (honestly not enough time spent with him). Met new people, got confirmation I graduated, came back up to start a new job as a physical therapist aide.

I started my job last week Wednesday (the day after I got back), and oh wow. It's a lot of work, but I'm enjoying it a ton. I came down with the flu, so in total I've only worked a day and a half (three shifts). I'm rearing to go. I have work again on Monday (so, like, 15 minutes from now would be Monday), Kevin starts his thing on Monday too. I'm excited that we're both making strides towards something.

I wish you were still here. I wanted to invite you to my graduation (May 25th, Friday, at Avaya Stadium; you should go if you're free). It's free admittance, so come along. I'd like to have you there. I think Kevin will go if he can get some time off/if he's free. I'll be inviting Amanda and Brian too.

I hope you appreciate this update.

I miss you, Natalie.

Stop saying sorry + more regrets

Every time someone says, "I'm sorry for your loss" I want to get so mad. All the sorries in the world will never bring her back. 

I'm emotionally exhausted. 

I want to skip to the "getting better" phase. But the getting better phase is only after I've been hurt so badly.

I can't imagine what you went through, Nat. 

You'll always be Nat the Cat to me. Nat who loved tea and cats. Who loved board games and strategy games. Who loved building worlds and playing City Skylines. Who was as gay as can be and proud of her gayness. Who loved memes and games and visual graphic novels (especially if there were lesbian things happening). 

...

I don't know anymore. Every day I message you. I know I'll never get  response back, and I know one day I'll stop messaging you. I wish I had Skyped or Google+'d you more, or played more games with you. 

I love you. I'll always give you validation, because to me, you are valid.

Dear Natalie,

I know you'll never read this. Maybe one day, I'll print it out and burn it, and maybe you'll be able to read it. But for now, I guess this will suffice.

I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I love you.
I miss you.

I wish I could tell you that I love you, and I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me, one last time. But I'll never be able to tell you that. I'll never see your reaction to anything, and the only thing I have left of you is all the physical memories you gave me. The shirt you got me when you went to the UK, the journal we used to pass back and forth in class, the note you left me on Christmas.

I have all these things, but these still aren't enough to hold the memory of you.

I knew you were truly gone when I saw you in my dream. I knew you were there to say goodbye to me. I wish I could've told you then that I love you and that I didn't want you to go. I wish I had said something to you then. I was too late. When I saw you in my dreams, it was already too late.

All of the what ifs, and all of the things I'll never get to tell you will haunt me. When I found out you passed, I cried. I cried the hardest I have ever cried in my life. A large part of me doesn't want to believe you're truly gone, and for a solid day I was hoping that everything was huge misunderstanding, and that you'll be back. I read the news reports and everything, but I still didn't want to believe. I'm trying to accept that you're gone now, but it's too hard for me to accept it.

I wish I told you more about me. When you would ask us in group chats how we were, I wish I actually told you. I wish I didn't hide things from you. We'll never go dress shopping in Seattle, and I'll never get to visit you or your cats in Sammamish.

I'll never get to see you alive again.

I hope you're okay wherever you are.

I'm fucking sad that you're gone. I have so many regrets, and so many things I wish I told you. I'll never get your reaction to these things, since you're gone now.

I love you, Natalie. I hope you're in a better place now.

Sleep

I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I have not slept peacefully through a night since last week Monday. So much going on, and nothing I can do about it.

Let’s see here. 

Monday: surgery

Tuesday: restless sleep/stayed over but couldn’t sleep due to sleep screaming/unfamiliar environment

Wednesday: finally went home to sleep in my own bed, but stayed up late. Also I was running on a total of maybe 9 hrs of sleep the past few days

Thursday: exhausted. Took a nap + stayed up hella late playing games

Friday: stayed out. Had a dream about either someone dying or an active shooter (common dreams tbh)

Saturday: woke up early. Went out. Was exhausted

Sunday: was out all day, didn’t really eat. Came home, slept at 8:30pm woke up at 9:30 to brush my teeth, back to sleep and woke back up at 11:59pm. I’ve been awake since, and it’s almost 4am.

Also I just feel sad. Especially late at night, a ton of repressed things tend to come back up. It’s the BEST thing EVER.

What is sleeping through the night anyways?