Context: coworker is asking for advice on which jacket to get. I chose the darker one

Kevin (from work) : Why you gotta be so dark? Why you gotta be so negative?

Me: I'm wearing all black! Doesn't that already tell you something?!

Brian Khum

Hello. 

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. Sorry for being clingy and needy, the things I told you I didn't like. I'm sorry for being someone I dislike, someone that just needs constant attention. I'm not trying hard enough to be less dependant, and I'm sorry. I know you'd tell me, "it's okay. You're so silly." But I know, deep down inside, that it isn't okay. You see, I'm always trying to be someone that everyone likes. And I'm always trying to please everyone. But if I were to be honest with myself, I just want you to like me as how I really am. That's why I try so hard to please you, that's why I'm trying to get to know you. There's a possibility that you will never see this, and part of me wishes that were true. The other part wants you to find this , and understand what I'm feeling and where I'm coming from. 

I'll also tell you another truth. I like you. I really really like you. I know you don't feel the same way about me though. I feel like you think I'm still young and immature, and you know, you're probably right. This is also going to sound a little douche-y, but even though I like you a lot (I did try to hint at it one night, but you refused to guess), I've friendzoned you for now. There are two reasons why I did it. The first reason was to protect myself from being hurt. I don't want to end up in limbo again. The second reason was to give you time and space to think about how you feel about certain people. Remember that night that I ignored you? You thought it was your fault. It wasn't. It was mine. I wanted time to think about how and what I should do about my feelings towards you. I decided the best course of action was to do nothing. If I told you how I felt, it would have changed the dynamics of our friendship. I didn't want that. I know you're mature enough not to push me away (really though, if I'm being an annoying cunt, just tell me and I'd understand and I'd be off your nuts.) It wasn't that I was afraid of telling you, I was more afraid of what would happen to us as friends. I didn't want you to think any differently of me, but I did want you to understand how I am without directly telling you. I know, sometimes blunt honesty is the best type. But how could I have told you how I felt when you were feeling conflicted about the other person? I couldn't tell you. That would have just added more to your plate, and I couldn't do that to you.

I'm also going to tell you another truth. I've always had a feeling something was going on between you and J. That's why after you told me, I tried to avoid you so I had time to think about what the best choice was. It was hard not to see The connection you two had. Come on. You both had the same taste in music, you two text all the time, she's the one you go to first. You said she's like the female version of your best friend, and that's like the perfect match. (yeah because I know a thing or two about opposite sex being best friends and liking each other. I have three years worth of information) You did a noble thing though. Putting yourself through what you did, trying to take yourself out of the direction of J and her boyfriend. That was commendable. I admire you for not going after J especially after the whole fiasco. Some people may call me noble as well for putting your emotions and stuff before mine. I'm not noble. It's just something I always do, put others before myself. What I want though? I don't care. If not a relationship, then friendship works for me as well. I gain and lose nothing with either. I'm leaving it up to you and fate. 

And that's exactly what I'm doing now. Putting myself on blast here and possibly ruining any chance I ever had with you (if there was one. Probably not, but at this rate I destroyed it) If by any off chance you ever find this blog post, well. There you have it. This is the truth, and if you ever do read this, let's talk about it. 

One of the reasons I'm going to bed is because if there's any chance of me seeing you in my dreams, I'll take it. 

That, and work.

This always happens to me.

And you're no different.

I'm disappointed.

I see no use in pursuing anyone anymore. I always end up disappointed. I have an inkling of what you're going to tell me, and frankly, I don't like the odds. I have reached the assumption that I'm not your type, and you would prefer another girl. I knew that from, almost the start. I just hoped that your feelings towards her were something else. But I'm assuming that I am wrong. 

Only time will tell.

Goodnight.

Escapist

I think I'm an escapist.

Every fiber of my being wants me to run out that door. I just want to run and run and run and never come back. I can't handle my stress at all.

I'm so tense because it's hard for me to hold down all of my being just to prevent myself from running out that door and not returning. If I did that, I'm pretty sure that my friends would be very concerned and worried for me. They'd probably leave. I just want to get up and bolt, because I honestly don't see a reason for me to be here, even though I live here. But I just want to leave.

I wish I had a safe place.

Please leave me alone to die in this hell I call school.

It's actually a little funny because I feel most at peace when it's late at night and I'm alone. 

Things I'd like to say

It's driving me crazy how I have to watch what I say, and be very careful with my words. I can't say

"Oh, you need to stop being so clingy and needy. You should really let her do what she wants, you need to stop being so dependent. You don't always need to have constant reassurance. You need to also develop you're own interests so it's not like you're just with her all the time. It's good to go out on your own and have experiences, so you have something to talk about. It shouldn't be a one sided thing where she's telling you all about her day, and you're experiencing it, but when she asks about your day, you should have something of interest to tell her as well. You need to go out as well, and make new friends. Your life can't revolve around her. Trying to transfer to UCSD might be the worst mistake of your life. What if you break up? What would you do then? You need to broaden your mind to what might happen, instead of just the now and near future. I feel like you only want to be with her, that's why you want to transfer there. I don't know if the engineering program is better there but I know we have one of the top engineering programs here at SJSU. But if you think this is the right thing to do, the by all means, go."

I can't say that. We're already dealing with a sensitive situation as is.

I also can't tell her, "Hey you need to stop ignoring your boyfriend. You say you can imagine a future with him and everything, but are you really? You go out a lot, you're very carefree and you just want to have fun, but you don't really think about your actions. You're very flirtatious with other guys, and that makes your boyfriend jealous and creates more issues. You need to tone it down if you're actually serious about having a relationship with this boy. You also know what bothers him, he tells you, you should be a little more considerate about it then. Sometimes I feel like you're just going with the flow. He needs a lot of attention. You knew this when you went into a relationship with him. It's even harder for him because you're so far away. What if he moves to UCSD, you'd have to spend more time with him because he's closer, and that would mean less time with your friends. Are you willing to make that sacrifice? You tell me you love him and you can imagine a future with him, but I'm not sure if you really can. Everything he's doing is to be with you, he's trying to bust ass in school just to transfer to UCSD to be with you. Personally, I don't think that's very smart, but if that's what he wants to do, then I'll let him do it. But you're a free spirit and I know you like your freedom. He'll go everywhere with you and he'll spend every waking moment with you as well."

I have to constantly reminds myself "no, don't do it" because I know I'll regret it.

Like what Ico said, "Can't stop, SHOULD STOP."

Word Sensing

In my dreams, I sense words, swirling around like soup in the blackness of my mind.

I know it sounds weird, but that's kind of what thoughts are. They aren't really tangible, you can't touch them or really SEE thoughts. You can invision them, and play with them, but they're not very concrete when they're in your mind. 

So lately, in my dreams, I could sense words. There was the name of one of Darren's old elementary school friends that floated around my head before recceding back to the darkness. There was another name of someone I've been talking to. The word fluttered about in front of me before going away to the darkness. 

I'm hella tired, but I don't want to sleep just yet. I want to write! I'm actually a little nervous someone's going to find this blog and find the stuff I wrote about them. Especially all the guys I used to like/still like. 

Then again, I'm at the point where I really don't care if they find out. It's more like, "surprise. I used to/maybe still do like you, kay bye." 

Ever since I met /insert name of really awesome dude I met this semester who shall remain unknown for the time being/ I've actually been getting a little more bolder. I figured I have nothing to lose, so why not just do it. 

I'm keeping this stuff vague for a reason. I don't want the person to find out because I don't know how said person would react. Would said person turn me down like I expect, or will something else happen? Too many unknowns. The unknowns make life very unpredictable. I like to know things so I can prepare. The struggles of being a Virgo, I guess. 

Soul Sharing

You see, the thing about telling people about yourself is that they're carrying a little piece of you away with them everytime you say something. It's like "wow I wonder how many people will carry a piece of me away today."

For me, I want to tell stories that stick or resonate with people. I want people to take something away from the things I tell them. Life lessons, or life stories, but either case, I want people to carry me around with them for as long as they can.

Edit: I talked to a friend about it and I've come to the conclusion that you aren't losing a part of you, you're just exchanging parts. I call it Soul Sharing.