Brian Khum

Hello. 

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. Sorry for being clingy and needy, the things I told you I didn't like. I'm sorry for being someone I dislike, someone that just needs constant attention. I'm not trying hard enough to be less dependant, and I'm sorry. I know you'd tell me, "it's okay. You're so silly." But I know, deep down inside, that it isn't okay. You see, I'm always trying to be someone that everyone likes. And I'm always trying to please everyone. But if I were to be honest with myself, I just want you to like me as how I really am. That's why I try so hard to please you, that's why I'm trying to get to know you. There's a possibility that you will never see this, and part of me wishes that were true. The other part wants you to find this , and understand what I'm feeling and where I'm coming from. 

I'll also tell you another truth. I like you. I really really like you. I know you don't feel the same way about me though. I feel like you think I'm still young and immature, and you know, you're probably right. This is also going to sound a little douche-y, but even though I like you a lot (I did try to hint at it one night, but you refused to guess), I've friendzoned you for now. There are two reasons why I did it. The first reason was to protect myself from being hurt. I don't want to end up in limbo again. The second reason was to give you time and space to think about how you feel about certain people. Remember that night that I ignored you? You thought it was your fault. It wasn't. It was mine. I wanted time to think about how and what I should do about my feelings towards you. I decided the best course of action was to do nothing. If I told you how I felt, it would have changed the dynamics of our friendship. I didn't want that. I know you're mature enough not to push me away (really though, if I'm being an annoying cunt, just tell me and I'd understand and I'd be off your nuts.) It wasn't that I was afraid of telling you, I was more afraid of what would happen to us as friends. I didn't want you to think any differently of me, but I did want you to understand how I am without directly telling you. I know, sometimes blunt honesty is the best type. But how could I have told you how I felt when you were feeling conflicted about the other person? I couldn't tell you. That would have just added more to your plate, and I couldn't do that to you.

I'm also going to tell you another truth. I've always had a feeling something was going on between you and J. That's why after you told me, I tried to avoid you so I had time to think about what the best choice was. It was hard not to see The connection you two had. Come on. You both had the same taste in music, you two text all the time, she's the one you go to first. You said she's like the female version of your best friend, and that's like the perfect match. (yeah because I know a thing or two about opposite sex being best friends and liking each other. I have three years worth of information) You did a noble thing though. Putting yourself through what you did, trying to take yourself out of the direction of J and her boyfriend. That was commendable. I admire you for not going after J especially after the whole fiasco. Some people may call me noble as well for putting your emotions and stuff before mine. I'm not noble. It's just something I always do, put others before myself. What I want though? I don't care. If not a relationship, then friendship works for me as well. I gain and lose nothing with either. I'm leaving it up to you and fate. 

And that's exactly what I'm doing now. Putting myself on blast here and possibly ruining any chance I ever had with you (if there was one. Probably not, but at this rate I destroyed it) If by any off chance you ever find this blog post, well. There you have it. This is the truth, and if you ever do read this, let's talk about it.