I haven't felt this crushing disappointment in such a long time. Internet, why do you hate me? DNS, why?

Oh well. Not much to do but watch blackened char fall from the wicks of lit candles. 

Not for the brave hearted, but for the cold hearted. 

Not for the weak minded, but for the ones who can deal with it. 

Not meant for the ones who love, but meant for the ones who can destroy. 

Not meant for me. 

Lost thoughts

Oh please. I wish it would end. I'm so tired of holding on to a shred of hope. I know nothing will happen, but something deep down inside thinks something will happen. Give it up. Stop wasting your time. 

Amanda was probably right. 

I should stop wasting my time. I don't want to end up in that place I was in years ago. I got better, but that was a dark place, indeed. 

I'm stuck between hating myself and hating myself. I can't find middle ground, I can't even put my feelings into words. 

I'm so unsure, I'm so confused, I'm so lost. 

Goodnight. 

Nightmares

I've been having nightmares or bad dreams at least once a week for the past few weeks. I'm not even sure where some of them are coming from, but honestly I wish I had good dreams or no dreams. At first, the nightmares didn't bother me. But now they do. I feel like I'm slowly being robbed of my sanity. This most recent one (about a tiger) was pretty terrifying. They've never been this bad before. It's been an hour and I'm still slowly recovering from it. 

I just didn't want to be alone today. But I was. I just wanted you and I to watch movies and be chill. But that didn't happen. 

Now here I am. Laying in bed listening to music because I was too lazy to get up and turn off Youtube's auto playlist. 

I'd like you to know how disappointed I am. But it really wouldn't matter. I'm not sure why I'm even surprised this turned out the same, like all the other times. 

Since I've gotten home, I've just been hoping. What a mistake. I should stop having hopes and letting them get so high. It would soften the mounting disappointment I feel. I just wanted your company. 

Bye Bye Bunnies

I'm not sure why I kept these. We haven't spoken in months. I'm throwing them away now. Why hold on to these things? All you did was use me anyways. I don't need to remember that. 

Jumble.

Thoughts in no order. What's on my mind.

I need to keep reminding myself that I'm not special.
Really puts me in my place.

I'm feeling really strong apathy.
Almost as if i'm missing something, but I'm not sure what it is...
Sort of reminds me of what Ecclesiastes said about how everything has already happened, and no matter what we do, nothing will be new, because it's already been done before.

So in a way, I can see why I'm not special. Everything has been done before. I have not done anything new, and I will not do anything new. Sort of depressing, but so it goes.

I found out today, that his name is Angel. He's the guy that I had a dream about from my social dance class. He's really good looking, tall and strong. I assume he's smart, but I could be wrong. I like talking to him. He's easy going, easy to talk to. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a girlfriend.

Here's the thing. I don't get my hopes up too high anymore because it's honestly better to have a softer fall than a harder fall. It's like physics. The higher you are, the harder the fall. Provided that gravity works and you have substantial weight.

I guess my only goal is to pass my classes, get my act together and hopefully graduate by next year.

To be completely honest, as much as I tell people I don't mind getting hurt, it doesn't mean it DOESN'T hurt. It does. But I'm a believer that if I fall enough times it'll toughen me up (or maybe severely damage my nerve endings so much where I can't feel pain anymore). Totally depends. Emotionally, yeah, it hurts, but my recovery time is less than 24 hours now. The pros of being hurt so many times means a super fast turnaround time.

Goddamnit. I've been wronged so many times by so many different people. It makes me wonder if I should even keep up appearances, or even trust people. I'm too trusting. I trust everyone, and that always leads to people screwing me over.

People have been telling me that I have to put myself out there for anything to happen. I do put myself out there, but not enough apparently. I have to actually change who I am to find someone. Someone thinks I should find a guy that I can mold to fit into our family. I don't want to find a guy that I have to mold. He's a person as well. I'd rather find a guy that naturally just fits into the family. I'm not going to do what the person did, which was force his S.O. to fit into our family. I was so against her for the longest time. I didn't think they'd last, I didn't think she was a good match for him or for the family. But I got over it. I guess lots of exposure and her going out of her way for us made us come around to her. Did she mold to us, or did we mold to her? Did it go both ways? Who knows.

I'm just tired of trying to be someone and something I'm not. The worst part is I don't even know what or who I am. I haven't even figured me out yet, but other people want me to conform to their standards of what they think I should be. And I just love pleasing people, so I do it. It drives me nuts because I get super conflicted about myself.

I just don't know anymore.
This just makes me validate myself as a slightly less screwed up person. People have it worse than me. I know that, and that's exactly why I said "slightly less screwed up person". I got insecurities, a lot of insecurities.