Hope

Here's the 5-page hand written entry I discussed in the last blog post. I've used pseudo names to hide the identity of people, but I'm pretty sure it's fairly easy to figure out who is who. I've also made some snarky comments/edits to myself while typing this up. Those snarky comments/edits are in brackets [ ].

"December 9th, 2014

     I'm going through some really tough times. It's finals season. They start this Friday. I'm pretty worried about these finals, especially the Humanities one. I go to all (or, well, most) of my Humanities lectures and seminars, but I feel like I've learned absolutely nothing.
     There's been a lot going on in my life. The whole Travis and Ally stuff is still going on. I don't like coming home to that. They don't do PDA or anything, but it's just that she shows Travis no affection, and in turn, that makes Travis more needy and clingy. And when I come home, all he does is insist affection from me when I come home [whoops, that's redundant]. It's driving me nuts. It's also driving my parents nuts as well because she doesn't leave. And Travis doesn't go out either. So my poor parents are stuck with them. My dad said it's like having another daughter, but the only difference is that she doesn't talk. Travis mostly just pesters me and always asks me to play Borderlands with him. When I don't want to play with him, he gets super butthurt. All he does is complain about Caroline and Brad. I think he's jealous to be honest. It's just frustrating being home.
     And then there's the apartment problem. Samantha and Chris PDA and spoon everywhere. Honestly, I'm okay with it, although it's a little awkward when I walk in and they're spooning everywhere. That and Beatrice [is] like perpetually angry because of Chris and Samantha. There's a story behind that, but I shall omit it in case this falls into the wrong hands [like who, Voldemort?]. There's too much drama going on, and I honestly don't know what to do about any of it. I really want to dissolve the tension in the house (tension towards Samantha/Chris and towards Sally as well when she does something dumb). I don't know what to do at all, [I am ridiculously repetitive] and it's incredibly stressful. Like what one of my friends told me, "wow you have no 'safe' place to go to in times of stress because both of your 'homes' give you stress." It's true. I don't have a safe place. [Safe places totally mean something else now.]
     Another thing, I'm mediator between a while bunch of people. Normally I don't mind, but I'm not about to talk to Kiki for Fred. What are we, 3 years old? Fred's going to be twenty-fucking-one in a month, and he still wants me to mediate between him and his girlfriend? No, I'm not about to do that. I'm sick of his cycles, his depressions when he and Kiki get into fights. I'm sick of always having to be the "good friend" and pick up Fred's pieces when Kiki even told me when they first started dating, "if we break up, I think I'll be okay. I'll be sad for a little bit, but I'll be okay." [Good God, run on sentence to the max. It doesn't even make sense.] What about Fred though? You know how he is when he gets his heart broken. You're just going to leave me to pick up the pieces? "Oh, well, it's not my problem." Do you see how selfish that is? Leaving another person [me, essentially] to make sure that Fred doesn't do something stupid like kill himself? You've just left me a huge responsibility. I can barely make it through my day with my head straight. And the fact I have to literally baby Fred while he's depressed and you're being selfish [what I meant was that I had to make sure Fred didn't kill himself while Kiki went and enjoyed herself doing whatever]. I am not part of your relationship. I've said this before, but Kiki knew what she was getting herself into when she decided to get with Fred. I'm tired of it all. Please mature.
     I'm in a place right now when I have little or no self confidence. I'm honestly very frustrated with a lot of things and people. I'm frustrated that people, (this is very illogical of me because no one can read my mind) aren't asking me how I'm doing or feeling. It's just really illogical of me. I know. My self esteem has been shot because I feel absolutely nothing but dislike towards myself. And the stuff I dislike about myself is something I can't change in a day. My physical features. See, I know I have a fantastic personality [wow, way to be conceited]. Ever wondered why I have an awesome, generous personality? It's to compensate for my face and lack of confidence [to be honest, this is not true, now that I think about it. I think it's more of the fact I don't want people to feel the same way I do/did]. Yeah, I do have a ton of self confidence issues as well. I have this record. Every guy I've ever liked has liked one of my friends, and not me. I've broken my heart so many times just to make other people happy. I'm selfless because I don't see what else I'm good at. My grades are probably all just flukes, they weren't supposed to happen. They were all just accidents. I don't have a best friend who's my age, I'm pretty much alone and unhappy. I give so selflessly that it's actually wearing on me. What else can I give away so there['s] nothing left? I have given everything to everyone, and all I have is just a body of my own. Maybe I can't get a guy because of my inability to just be friendzoned all the time. The closest thing I had to a boyfriend was YWHJ, but we all know how that turned out based off of where I am now. I'm no longer tired. I feel no exhaustion. I'm just going to stay outside in the cold tonight because, outside, is my way out. The clean, cold fresh air is my escape. I don't care if it's going to be raining and pouring. I honestly don't care anymore. I don't care if I'm sick, I don't care if I quit my job, I can't deal with any of this, with any of my stresses. I guess I am an escapist. I want to run, to go away, to leave, [to] escape from my problems.
     I'm fighting this losing, emotionally draining psychological battle. It's getting harder to continue in this way. I need a change in my life. I don't really want people to know that this is happening to me. I don't want people to know that I'm falling apart on the inside, so I hide everything away. It's easier for me to do, to push aside how I feel or what's troubling me and focus on the issue at hand. I refuse to look up. I don't have the strength to.
     I'm falling apart physically as well. You could tell that I'm feeling some aggression based off of how hard I'm pressing down on my paper. I have a ton of feelings and emotions, but I can't let them all spill out. I don't want people to see me in this way. I feel grief and loss, maybe because I'm directionless. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. I feel as if everyone is progressing and I am stagnant. There are times where I wish I weren't alive because I can't deal with the pressures and expectations I put on myself.
     The pain I feel in my right wrist is starting to feel a little unbearable. I will power through this though. It's not the pain is making me want to stop, but I'm running out of things to say. I'm so lost, I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this. Then again, it is impossible for anyone to know how I feel if I plan to burn this.
     No one needs to know any of this. No one needs to know how weak I am, how badly I want to fit in. No one needs to see how much pain I feel as of now. I don't want people to see me like this.
     I'm in class, Advanced Humanities Honors Seminar. Next semester will be difficult. I'm not sure if I can go through with this, but I have to. I'm doing it for myself, but I'm thinking this isn't worth it anymore. This class I mean. I'm not sure if it is worth it.
     I'm feeling like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, a little like the Phantom of the Opera. So unbearably ugly I would have to hide away from society, from everyone. My entire self. I honestly thought I had gotten rid of this feeling, this jealousy I feel. It's like a little worm that's coming back to me after months and years of being away. I get flashes of it. It comes back.
     I believe overall, although this was rather a negative post, I think, no, I know I'll be okay. I'll make it through winter break. That's all I can look forward to. I'll try to take one step at a time, and ask for help when I need it. I don't know what else I can do, though. I will need to try to keep face. This won't be easy, but I have to try."


I do want to say something before I finish for tonight, but wow. Some of this stuff still resonates with me, and I do have my bad days. I just need to keep pushing through those bad days and realize that it's only temporary. Keep hoping for a brighter day (shoutout to Terry. I love you).