Context: coworker is asking for advice on which jacket to get. I chose the darker one

Kevin (from work) : Why you gotta be so dark? Why you gotta be so negative?

Me: I'm wearing all black! Doesn't that already tell you something?!

Brian Khum

Hello. 

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. Sorry for being clingy and needy, the things I told you I didn't like. I'm sorry for being someone I dislike, someone that just needs constant attention. I'm not trying hard enough to be less dependant, and I'm sorry. I know you'd tell me, "it's okay. You're so silly." But I know, deep down inside, that it isn't okay. You see, I'm always trying to be someone that everyone likes. And I'm always trying to please everyone. But if I were to be honest with myself, I just want you to like me as how I really am. That's why I try so hard to please you, that's why I'm trying to get to know you. There's a possibility that you will never see this, and part of me wishes that were true. The other part wants you to find this , and understand what I'm feeling and where I'm coming from. 

I'll also tell you another truth. I like you. I really really like you. I know you don't feel the same way about me though. I feel like you think I'm still young and immature, and you know, you're probably right. This is also going to sound a little douche-y, but even though I like you a lot (I did try to hint at it one night, but you refused to guess), I've friendzoned you for now. There are two reasons why I did it. The first reason was to protect myself from being hurt. I don't want to end up in limbo again. The second reason was to give you time and space to think about how you feel about certain people. Remember that night that I ignored you? You thought it was your fault. It wasn't. It was mine. I wanted time to think about how and what I should do about my feelings towards you. I decided the best course of action was to do nothing. If I told you how I felt, it would have changed the dynamics of our friendship. I didn't want that. I know you're mature enough not to push me away (really though, if I'm being an annoying cunt, just tell me and I'd understand and I'd be off your nuts.) It wasn't that I was afraid of telling you, I was more afraid of what would happen to us as friends. I didn't want you to think any differently of me, but I did want you to understand how I am without directly telling you. I know, sometimes blunt honesty is the best type. But how could I have told you how I felt when you were feeling conflicted about the other person? I couldn't tell you. That would have just added more to your plate, and I couldn't do that to you.

I'm also going to tell you another truth. I've always had a feeling something was going on between you and J. That's why after you told me, I tried to avoid you so I had time to think about what the best choice was. It was hard not to see The connection you two had. Come on. You both had the same taste in music, you two text all the time, she's the one you go to first. You said she's like the female version of your best friend, and that's like the perfect match. (yeah because I know a thing or two about opposite sex being best friends and liking each other. I have three years worth of information) You did a noble thing though. Putting yourself through what you did, trying to take yourself out of the direction of J and her boyfriend. That was commendable. I admire you for not going after J especially after the whole fiasco. Some people may call me noble as well for putting your emotions and stuff before mine. I'm not noble. It's just something I always do, put others before myself. What I want though? I don't care. If not a relationship, then friendship works for me as well. I gain and lose nothing with either. I'm leaving it up to you and fate. 

And that's exactly what I'm doing now. Putting myself on blast here and possibly ruining any chance I ever had with you (if there was one. Probably not, but at this rate I destroyed it) If by any off chance you ever find this blog post, well. There you have it. This is the truth, and if you ever do read this, let's talk about it. 

One of the reasons I'm going to bed is because if there's any chance of me seeing you in my dreams, I'll take it. 

That, and work.

This always happens to me.

And you're no different.

I'm disappointed.

I see no use in pursuing anyone anymore. I always end up disappointed. I have an inkling of what you're going to tell me, and frankly, I don't like the odds. I have reached the assumption that I'm not your type, and you would prefer another girl. I knew that from, almost the start. I just hoped that your feelings towards her were something else. But I'm assuming that I am wrong. 

Only time will tell.

Goodnight.

Escapist

I think I'm an escapist.

Every fiber of my being wants me to run out that door. I just want to run and run and run and never come back. I can't handle my stress at all.

I'm so tense because it's hard for me to hold down all of my being just to prevent myself from running out that door and not returning. If I did that, I'm pretty sure that my friends would be very concerned and worried for me. They'd probably leave. I just want to get up and bolt, because I honestly don't see a reason for me to be here, even though I live here. But I just want to leave.

I wish I had a safe place.

Please leave me alone to die in this hell I call school.

It's actually a little funny because I feel most at peace when it's late at night and I'm alone. 

Things I'd like to say

It's driving me crazy how I have to watch what I say, and be very careful with my words. I can't say

"Oh, you need to stop being so clingy and needy. You should really let her do what she wants, you need to stop being so dependent. You don't always need to have constant reassurance. You need to also develop you're own interests so it's not like you're just with her all the time. It's good to go out on your own and have experiences, so you have something to talk about. It shouldn't be a one sided thing where she's telling you all about her day, and you're experiencing it, but when she asks about your day, you should have something of interest to tell her as well. You need to go out as well, and make new friends. Your life can't revolve around her. Trying to transfer to UCSD might be the worst mistake of your life. What if you break up? What would you do then? You need to broaden your mind to what might happen, instead of just the now and near future. I feel like you only want to be with her, that's why you want to transfer there. I don't know if the engineering program is better there but I know we have one of the top engineering programs here at SJSU. But if you think this is the right thing to do, the by all means, go."

I can't say that. We're already dealing with a sensitive situation as is.

I also can't tell her, "Hey you need to stop ignoring your boyfriend. You say you can imagine a future with him and everything, but are you really? You go out a lot, you're very carefree and you just want to have fun, but you don't really think about your actions. You're very flirtatious with other guys, and that makes your boyfriend jealous and creates more issues. You need to tone it down if you're actually serious about having a relationship with this boy. You also know what bothers him, he tells you, you should be a little more considerate about it then. Sometimes I feel like you're just going with the flow. He needs a lot of attention. You knew this when you went into a relationship with him. It's even harder for him because you're so far away. What if he moves to UCSD, you'd have to spend more time with him because he's closer, and that would mean less time with your friends. Are you willing to make that sacrifice? You tell me you love him and you can imagine a future with him, but I'm not sure if you really can. Everything he's doing is to be with you, he's trying to bust ass in school just to transfer to UCSD to be with you. Personally, I don't think that's very smart, but if that's what he wants to do, then I'll let him do it. But you're a free spirit and I know you like your freedom. He'll go everywhere with you and he'll spend every waking moment with you as well."

I have to constantly reminds myself "no, don't do it" because I know I'll regret it.

Like what Ico said, "Can't stop, SHOULD STOP."

Word Sensing

In my dreams, I sense words, swirling around like soup in the blackness of my mind.

I know it sounds weird, but that's kind of what thoughts are. They aren't really tangible, you can't touch them or really SEE thoughts. You can invision them, and play with them, but they're not very concrete when they're in your mind. 

So lately, in my dreams, I could sense words. There was the name of one of Darren's old elementary school friends that floated around my head before recceding back to the darkness. There was another name of someone I've been talking to. The word fluttered about in front of me before going away to the darkness. 

I'm hella tired, but I don't want to sleep just yet. I want to write! I'm actually a little nervous someone's going to find this blog and find the stuff I wrote about them. Especially all the guys I used to like/still like. 

Then again, I'm at the point where I really don't care if they find out. It's more like, "surprise. I used to/maybe still do like you, kay bye." 

Ever since I met /insert name of really awesome dude I met this semester who shall remain unknown for the time being/ I've actually been getting a little more bolder. I figured I have nothing to lose, so why not just do it. 

I'm keeping this stuff vague for a reason. I don't want the person to find out because I don't know how said person would react. Would said person turn me down like I expect, or will something else happen? Too many unknowns. The unknowns make life very unpredictable. I like to know things so I can prepare. The struggles of being a Virgo, I guess. 

Soul Sharing

You see, the thing about telling people about yourself is that they're carrying a little piece of you away with them everytime you say something. It's like "wow I wonder how many people will carry a piece of me away today."

For me, I want to tell stories that stick or resonate with people. I want people to take something away from the things I tell them. Life lessons, or life stories, but either case, I want people to carry me around with them for as long as they can.

Edit: I talked to a friend about it and I've come to the conclusion that you aren't losing a part of you, you're just exchanging parts. I call it Soul Sharing.

I need another story, something to get off my chest. My life gets kind of boring, I need something I can confess. With my sleeves I stained red, with the truths that I said...

I feel like a ghost in my own house on Thanksgiving Day. No one is talking to me, it really feels like I don't exist. It makes me wonder if I DO exist. I feel as if I left to my room, I wouldn't be missed. Maybe I just need attention. Why am I acting so strangely? Why am I feeling this way? I am tired, but I don't think that's why.

2 AM Sadness

Two postings in one night? No way. This one is a little sad though, so beware.

It's been over three years, and whenever I least expect it, I stumble upon an old text from you. And every time I read it, it brings tears to my eyes. I miss you Robin. I wish you didn't have to go so soon.

I still think about you every so often. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you're looking out for us. I wish you were still here so I could talk to you about stupid things. I remember in high school I would text you about random things, like I would tell you what class I was in, or what I was doing. I know it brought a smile to your face, and I miss that. I also miss the nickname you gave me. Kelly girl. It's nothing special, but I just miss it. I miss you so much. Visit me in my dreams, so we can catch up. 

I felt you last time I visited Hawaii. Darren and I felt you there with us, thanking us perhaps. I just wanted to say that we know it was you. And it made me believe you're still with us watching over us and making sure we're okay. I'm sorry we couldn't spend a lot of time with you then. It was getting dark, and we weren't allowed to stay longer. I hope Auntie Carol is with you, and you guys are having the time of your lives. I hope you're watching over Brandon and making sure he's okay. I know you two are at least. I'm sorry Auntie Carol, that I wasn't able to see you one last time before you passed. But at least I got to talk to you a little bit over FaceTime. I'll miss the foods that you would cook, and I'll miss the cute Christmas cards you would send to us. I'll miss all of it. I saved a few, just so I can have a few mementos of you both.

I love you both so much. And I miss both of you. 

Twenty Days Later

It feels different. I'm in a different place than I was so many years ago.

It's almost 2AM, and I have a 7:30AM yoga class in the morning. I don't know why I'm still awake. I'm probably awake because I've been thinking of a guy. I don't want to say he's not special, but he might be. I don't know a lot about him, and I'd like to.

I'm also very amused by how I'm typing. I have a mirror next to my desk, and it's level with my keyboard, so I'm watching the reflection of my fingers typing. It's actually really calming and relaxing to watch. My fingers, for the most part know where the keys are. It's fun watching how indecisive my mind is. It shows in the way I type. Whenever I have a good flow of thought, my fingers just fly across the keyboard like water. Whenever I have a halting thought, you can see my hands and fingers pause and hesitantly spell out or erase a word. It's amusing because my fingers just stop and hover for a moment over the keyboard, like they're trying to think of what to say next. It's cool seeing the physical disconnect between mind and hands. Like, can you believe one part of your body can control another? Your brain controls what your hands do, and it's crazy seeing your hands and fingers reflect what's going on in your mind.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm a little drowsy, so I guess I'll head to bed. I think everyone should watch how their fingers fly across a keyboard when they've struck upon a thought. I'm suddenly awake of the small things I do with my hands. After I finish writing something I bring my left hand off the keyboard and I lightly clench my hand. Especially when I'm thinking of what to say next. How fascinating.

Stanley

Thanks for being a buddy.

I'm not attracted to you anymore, but I give you tons of kudos for still being my friend throughout everything. 

I think that week gap of not talking to each other really helped out. It made me realize that you're perfect for someone else that isn't me. I will always cherish you as a friend. Thanks for always listening to me and coming out just to make sure I was alright.

Thank you. I feel more at peace with myself now.

What

It actually bothers me how many people don't understand why I'm affected by Chi's death.

It boggles my mind completely.

Phi Lam

To my one and only Little Alpha.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot even fathom how you feel. I know people are telling you and your family members to stay strong, that things will be okay, that you guys will get through it. Losing someone like that, in that way...it's awful. I'm so sorry. I wish it never happened to you and your family at all.

I'm letting you know that it's okay to cry. You can cry all you want. You don't need to be strong.  Not many people will understand how you feel, but if you ever need me, I'll be there for you. I don't care what hour, what day, what I'm doing. I'll do my best to help you out. I don't care if I'm at work, or with family, or friends.

Be strong Alpha. I'm here to catch you if you fall.

Chi Lam

I don't usually post something this serious, but this does hit very close to home.

You always hear about it. It doesn't affect you, it affects others. But this one really got me for some reason. I didn't know the person myself, but I know the significant other of this person. And I'm absolutely stunned about what happened. I feel grief and I would like to extend my thoughts to this person's friends and family, even though I do not know them. I would personally like to extend my thoughts to the person's significant other. If you ever see this, I want you to know that we support you in your time of grief, and if you need anything at all, feel free to reach out to us. We will always be there for you.

Be careful out there. Don't drink and drive. Don't let others drink and drive. If you do, you're risking other people's lives, as well as damaging their families. Think about things before you do them. Don't destroy a family, a relationship, or a life because you think you can drive after drinking. 

Our thoughts are with you, Chi Lam.

Just Blithering

This post is just going to be random, non-sequential writings. I'm feeling something. I just want to type out the the first thoughts that come from my head.

I'm being very hormonal.

I'm just going to sleep soon because I can't deal with myself at the present moment.

I'm pushing away people I usually wouldn't push away. I can't stand myself. The only cure for this is sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.

Maybe I should do something else with my life besides sleep. Maybe sit outside. Maybe exercise. Maybe something useful.

I haven't been feeling too well lately. Stomach hurts every time I eat. I know the reason why, and I'm going to have to wait a few days before things settle back to normal.

It feels like a weekday, instead of a weekend. I'm wondering what I did with my weekend, because it's all over. I didn't do anything that I planned to do. I'm very tired, but I can't seem to sleep. I just want to be awake, in this Hellish limbo. I want to sleep, but at the same time I don't. My mind is keeping me awake, but my eyelids are drooping lower and lower.

Ah. I remember what's keeping me awake. The pains. I'm a little hungry, a little crampy, and I'm not sure how I'm dealing with anything right now. Typing is a good outlet, which is what I'm doing. I love feeling the keys depress and pop back up. I love the sound that I make whenever I strike a key. I love feeling how the keyboard gives way to my fingers. I just like typing. I even like the word "typing" it seems so beautiful. I think that's my favorite word. Typing. It just looks so pleasing to me. Words are just overall very appeasing to me. I like this free thought thing. It's making me feel better (minus the physical pain, I can't control that) I do have medicine for it, but I don't know if it's still good.

Toni and Doms left with Phi. I know Toni and Doms went to a party, and I'm still here. I don't drink anyways, so that's fine with me, Shana fell asleep on the couch, she woke up and she went to shut the light off, but she hesitated for a very long time. Then she turned the light off on me. And then when she turned around to go up the stairs she was like "oh I'm so sorry I didn't see you there" and I didn't say anything mainly because I was so focused on a game I was playing. It was interesting. Anyways, in my head I was like "wait how did you not see me, you walked towards me. I'M WEARING A BRIGHT RED SWEATER HOW CAN YOU MISS ME?!" But I was too focused to even say anything

Wow I must be going through some stress or something. I keep clenching my jaw. Am I upset? Am I angry? Why am I so unstable? I need to be more stable. Help. I need to consume less salt too, because that makes me super dehydrated and it makes me cramp even more than should. I'm also noticing my flaws and how my skin isn't perfect and a whole bunch of other stupid things. I know I'm totally fine, but this is so ridiculous. I'm just a wreck. I have absolutely no reason to be a wreck, but I am. This is dumb. It's almost 3AM. I want to listen to more FungBros. I really like their PowerTrip remix. It's good. And I was relistening to Friendzone by them. The one line that ALWAYS gets me is "the prettiest girl is the one that likes you!"

MY FEELS. ALL THE TIME. Now I'm going to listen to "Amnesia" by 5 Seconds of Summer. JUST TO HAVE MY FEELS AGAIN.

Okay, I'll stop blithering on. I apologize, this post was just to make me feel better.

Hello friends!

I'm back, but not for long. It's been a while, I know, and I send out my apologies. This post is also going to be long. I apologize for this as well.

Started my third year of university. We're currently on midterms, I guess, but most of it's already over. I also work retail now.

I've been spending most of my time hanging out with Johnny or Stanley. For this post (because I want to save it for my memory) I'm going to talk about my weekend and how fantastic it was.

So, let's start with Friday. So I get back from work, and I'm just chilling at home. I'm pretty tired, and I have to wake up to go to work on Saturday. I end up staying awake til 4AM, backing up my text messages onto my laptop (mom bought some software that allows you to do it). Part of the reason for staying up late was that, the other part was just spending time with my mom before she (and dad) flew off to Hawaii on Saturday. So we're just talking, and chilling when she said she had to go to bed.
After she went to bed, I finished backing up everything onto my computer. Darren and Jlam were asleep on the couch like usual. No surprises there. Anyways, I shut off the lights and go to bed.

Dad comes into my room Saturday morning at 7:45AM telling me that they're going to leave and I should get ready to go with them to the airport. I'm still fairly groggy, so I jam my glasses onto my face, roll over and make it halfway downstairs. Mom takes one look at me and says, "You don't need to go with us to the airport, you can stay here and sleep for another hour." That sounded like a fantastic idea to me, so I said my goodbyes to them at home. As soon as they left, I crawled back into bed, snuggled underneath my covers, and tried to sleep for another hour. I couldn't (that's going to be a reoccurring theme). Jlam and Darren come back, and I just jump into the shower and get ready to head to work.

At work, I'm a little nervous. I'm supposed to work my first 9hr shift that day. Start at 11AM, don't get out til 8PM. Anyways, I'm actually doing alright, and things are going great, and then my manager, Juan, calls me over and tells me that he's cutting my shift because I guess they accidentally scheduled too many people. So I get out at 3:45PM instead of 8PM. I have absolutely no problem with that, so I just continue on with my day. I get out, and drive back home. I'm feeling pretty tired because I haven't slept in a while. I try to take a nap, but that failed mainly because Darren was screaming about the Giants game, and I didn't shut my room door. At that point I just went downstairs, ate a little bit, then packed my stuff and headed back to my apartment. I didn't want to stick around with Jlam and Darren for personal reasons.

I get to my apartment, and it's about 6:30PM. I need to work on this essay that I've been putting off for about three days (I actually forgot about it because the professor never reminded us about it or even talked about it.) Anyways, I'm starting to research it, and I'm just pounding away at the keyboard hoping to find something I could use for my paper. I find a few things and I start typing out my essay. I check my phone and text Stanley, because I'm supposed to go over to his apartment and stay the night since we're going to be up reading horror stories to each other. I tell him to come get me at 8:30PM and I'd give him animal crackers. I figured that was ample enough time for me to finish my essay. Anyways, I start packing my things at 8:20PM, and at this point I figured I was going to work on my essay at his place. He texts me saying he's on his way at 8:30PM, so I just sit around and wait.

He gets to my place, and walks me over this his place. We talk about this ongoing problem I've been having with DCC (dark cloud couple), and I also inform him that I still need to work on my essay. We get to his apartment, I say hi to one of his apartment mates, Albert. So anyways, we settle in, Albert makes food, Stanley turns on Netflix, and starts watching Supernatural. I didn't realize guys also liked Supernatural, and I got into a interesting discussion about why guys watch Supernatural with Albert and Stanley. Anyways, Stanley's watching Supernatural, and I'm trying to write my essay. Stanley checks up on me every so often to make sure I'm not watching Supernatural, and that I'm actually working on my essay. A few times he had to chastise me and tell me to focus on my essay. I eventually finish it and we watch a few more episodes of Supernatural. At around 12:30AM, I ask what else we're going to do. We then proceed to creepypasta and r/nosleep to do some reading. Stanley did all the reading, to be completely honest. Anyways, he sat down on the couch, and I sort of just curled my body around his, in the sense of he's sitting straight up in the middle of the couch, and there's space for me to spread out behind him. So I lay on my stomach so my right side is touching is lower back. Meh, details.

We stay like that while he reads a few of the creepypastas and r/nosleeps. It felt nice. I was so comfortable, I could have fallen asleep. But I didn't. Around 2:30AM, I could tell Stanley was going to KTFO. I suggested that we stop and we continue later. Albert, Jonnel, and Raymond are home, Apparently Raymond has an extra "mattress" thing that Albert and Jonnel insisted that Stanley roll out for me. So Stanley gets it, he rolls it out and almost immediately knocks out on it. Well, he didn't want me to be lonely, so he grabbed his pillow and blanket and sleeps on the mattress on the floor. He didn't have an extra blanket for me, but he did have one of his jackets that I used as a blanket. Anywho, I stay awake for a little longer playing Tetris in the dark on the dining room table. Albert and Jonnel saw my laptop light on, and they were like "wait why are you awake? Wait, is Stanley sleeping on the mattress?! You should be sleeping on it! That's why he rolled it out!" and since I was in the dark, Albert asked, "Do you want the light on?" I refused, but he said "Too bad" and turned it on anyways. My main concern was that the light would wake Stanley up, but he was just out cold. After a few minutes, I was tired of Tetris and got ready for bed. I climbed onto the couch, spread the jacket over me, and attempted to get some sleep.

I guess I did sleep for a bit. At 7AM, Stanley woke up, and he draped his blanket over me, and I really appreciated it, because it was pretty cold. The only bad part about that was that it actually woke me up. I tried to go back to sleep for the next two hours, but I only succeeded in drifting in and out for a while. I decided to get my laptop and play games on it. I grabbed my laptop (around 9AM), and started playing BattleBlock Theater. I guess the sounds of me furiously pounding on my keyboard brought his attention to me being awake. He came out of his room and was like "oh you're awake." He asked if I wanted breakfast, and I was like "nah." I'm not usually hungry when I wake up. Stanley was telling me how breakfast is the most important meal of the day, etc. and I was like "yeahhh, whatever." We didn't talk that much that morning.

After a while, the other people in the household started to wake up, Raymond and Albert went out to eat at Whispers, Jonnel slept in til 12PM. Around this time, I texted Steven (the accidental child) about when he was going to pick me up. No response. As per usual. I asked Stanley when he wanted to kick me out, he said "anytime." I told him I had a party to go to, and Steven was coming at 2PM to come get me, he "jokingly" asked if he could go. I called Steven and he said Stanley could come. After that we finished reading the stories from yesterday. Stanley wanted me to read, so I did. At around 1:00PM Stanley leaves to shower, while I start packing my stuff. He finishes his shower stuff and getting ready at 1:15PM, and we walk over to my apartment so I can shower and stuff.

While I was in the shower, Stanley started chatting to Shana. After my shower I came down and we all talked. It was cool, I guess. 2:30PM, Steven and Johnny finally come and get us. We're in the car, driving to Steven's cousins house, We're talking about music and stuff.

We get to Steven's cousins house. It's someone's birthday. How awkward, we didn't even bring a present. We hang out there for a bit, make our own pizzas. Then Steven's aunt sends us to Trader Joe's to buy more dough, and Steven's mom needed a new can opener. We got the dough, and the can opener. We drive back, I bring the dough and the can opener (because I'm an idiot and totally forgot that Steven's mom wanted the can opener, not his aunt, whoops.) We give them the stuff they wanted and just end up watching the kids whack a pinata that's filled with candy. Steven suggests we go to this really cool jungle gym rope park thingy, so we head off over there. We climb around, have fun, talk, the usual. It was good. The guys started testing their strength by doing random things, like pull-ups, and trying to climb up the ropes without using their legs, but just their upper body strength.

A bunch of little kids mobbed us, so we left after that. I didn't want to go back to Steven's cousin's house yet, so we went to Daiso, and Marina and just loitered there. Headed back to Steven's cousins, watched them play a game of Speed, Watched part of 22nd JumpStreet on their projector screen in the backyard. Stanley ate a little bit. Went to Sonics afterwards, While we were there, I was asking if anyone's been to New York City before. Stanley said he had been there. He said I should check out the Stock Market area. He asked why I was asking, and I told him about my upcoming trip. He said he'd be down to go if my cousins couldn't make it, and that he'd pay for his own ticket and stuff. I wouldn't mind it if he went with me though. That would be cool. Anyways, we ate Sonics, we left, and Steven had the air conditioner blasting, so I was super cold. I put my light gray jacket over my upper body. Stanley noticed, and was like "oh are you cold?" and he reached out to touch my knee. I told him I was cold, but it was bearable. Anyways, we dropped Stanley off at his apartment first, because he had to give me my waterbottle that I left behind earlier. He ran up, grabbed it, and brought it back down to me. Steven drove me back home.

And that's the end of my weekend.
This is more in detail then I originally wanted it to be.

There were a lot of inside jokes Stanley and I cracked at each other all Sunday. I wouldn't have had my weekend any other way.

Take me back to this, please.

Stay High.

"Stay High (Tove Lo Flip)"

Staying in my play pretend 
Where the fun ain't got no end
Staying in my play pretend 
Where the fun ain't got no end
Staying in my play pretend 
Where the fun ain't got no end

Ooh

Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

Oh ooh

Staying in my play pretend 
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

You're gone and I've gotta stay high
All the time
High all the time
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
High all the time
High all the time
High all the time
To keep you off my mind

[Repeat all]

High all the time to keep you off my mind.

I've never been high, but this song somehow reaches out to me. It's not about keeping a guy or anyone off my mind, it's more about putting things off til later. That's how I feel this song. Like...I'm not sure how to phrase this right, but this song relates to my school work and I. "Staying in my play pretend/ Where the fun ain't got no end" is me procrastinating on my homework. "Can't go home alone again/Need someone to numb the pain" is me not wanting to go to class where I have nothing to turn in, and wanting company while I attempt to do work. (if I have company while I try to work, nothing will be done.)

Gotta stay high to keep my work off my mind.

Help

Is today national Piss Off Kelly day? Because you people seem to be really good at it. 

First Megan, for trying to force me to play League, then Johnny for his views about Johnathan. 

It's like you guys don't fucking understand. I'm over him. I let him do what he wants to do. He knows better. I'm not his mom or his GF or anything. And the "best" part about everything is that no one fucking understands what's going on right now. 

My "best friend" is so obsessed with his girlfriend that he doesn't spare a thought for me. He doesn't even realize that I'm in deep waters, and I'm near drowning. He doesn't even put in the effort to talk to me, he only talks to me when he needs something. I'm always texting him first and trying to be positive. All I want to do is cry right now because NO ONE CAN HEAR ME SCREAM. No one at all. 

My decisions aren't respected. My judgement is not to be trusted. I'm a wreck. I just need someone to help me pick up the pieces. I would like someone to just be understanding and NOT irritate me. I just want help; I need help. I just need someone to listen to me rant, and vent. 

Please help. I'm scared.