It Will Rain- Bruno Mars.
I think this song describes my life up to a certain point. Sometimes I like change, sometimes I don't. Right now, I'm not liking change. I guess I'll describe what happened today.
I had an orthodontist appointment today. I found out my surgery will most likely get pushed back. This...this disappoints me to the verge of tears. I'm upset because...this was like my only change to change the way I look before I went to college. Before I get to meet new people; this was like the only way I could start over. That's how I saw it in my mind. I wanted a brand new start, I wanted people to stop looking at me differently. I don't think anyone really understands me when I say that people look at me differently. They do. Watch those little kids stare at me like I'm a freak. Watch those elderly people watch my every move like I'm going to rob them. I swear that's how they look at me, because I've seen people look at me like that before. It breaks my heart, and most of the time I can ignore it so it doesn't hurt. Sometimes, I'll get a certain look from someone, and it'll just break my heart, because they're looking at me like...I'm the scum of the Earth or something. That's how I feel. That's why I couldn't wait for this surgery, and that's why...why I wanted to change. I wanted to lead a somewhat normal life, without getting strange looks, without people (especially little kids) pointing out to me, "Hey, what happened to your lip?" I've endured it for 17 years. It's hard on me, very hard. I know I'm strong, but after a while...you kind of give up. It's like watching the wind and sea eroding a cliff. It slowly grinds away at you, and you're constantly reminded of it somehow.
I had an orthodontist appointment today. I found out my surgery will most likely get pushed back. This...this disappoints me to the verge of tears. I'm upset because...this was like my only change to change the way I look before I went to college. Before I get to meet new people; this was like the only way I could start over. That's how I saw it in my mind. I wanted a brand new start, I wanted people to stop looking at me differently. I don't think anyone really understands me when I say that people look at me differently. They do. Watch those little kids stare at me like I'm a freak. Watch those elderly people watch my every move like I'm going to rob them. I swear that's how they look at me, because I've seen people look at me like that before. It breaks my heart, and most of the time I can ignore it so it doesn't hurt. Sometimes, I'll get a certain look from someone, and it'll just break my heart, because they're looking at me like...I'm the scum of the Earth or something. That's how I feel. That's why I couldn't wait for this surgery, and that's why...why I wanted to change. I wanted to lead a somewhat normal life, without getting strange looks, without people (especially little kids) pointing out to me, "Hey, what happened to your lip?" I've endured it for 17 years. It's hard on me, very hard. I know I'm strong, but after a while...you kind of give up. It's like watching the wind and sea eroding a cliff. It slowly grinds away at you, and you're constantly reminded of it somehow.
After my orthodontist appointment, I came home, did nothing important, read a little bit for AP English, wrote up one scholarship application (the only one I've done), went to community band.
Now, at community band, everything was alright, going fine, etc. Until after community band. I'll list a series of words, I'll leave it up to the reader to piece together what happened, or what I was feeling.
Neglected. Sad. Upset. Angry. Ignored. Abused. Misunderstood.
Sure, they're broad, basic terms and they all mean pretty much the same thing. But...maybe you'll be able to piece together what happened. Good luck to you.
I feel like I should mention what happened, but I won't. I think I'll hold in the event, but I'll tell you the feeling. I'm sad, that's all. Just sad.
I'm not hungry anymore. I guess I was during community band, but I'm not anymore. Not after the day I've had.
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